Saturday, September 5, 2009
Fur Wars - Chapter 25
Somewhere deep in space, about 99,999 miles behind the moon of an insignificant planet in a solar system far, far away from anything else much, the power being generated by a series of super-massive thermo-nuclear generators was being redirected.
This not so sleeping satellite of the third rock from the sun had adjusted its thrusters, decreasing its orbital radius, the Def Jam Super Star was moving closer to its host planet.
“His fate is sealed,” hissed Emperor Mong, “he suspects nothing. You must go to the Workplace immediately in order to oversee that his redundancy notice is served.”
“I don’t really know why we’re bothering,” said his female companion.
Mong sighed. Even rulers of the known universe sigh.
“From the year 281071 I have controlled this planet with my complete ruthless authority. Its existence ensures my immortality and with it, your income, long satin robes and exquisite furry earmuffs don’t come cheap. If we’re to move the operation to a new location, we have to expect a certain amount of right-sizing. I learned about right-sizing the day my son left me. I thought the pain would kill me, but it only made me stronger. Now I must lose another in order to continue my reign. Sixty five million years after I took control of this puny planet by destroying the dinosaurs, a race of homo sapiens calling themselves Romans invented the word ‘decimate’. In their time and society this word described the process by which the poorest performing ten per cent of the population were slaughtered. It was, essentially, an anthropomorphic evolutionary process—a survival of the fittest, if you will, rather than a rewarding of the strongest. Over the following millennia, the humans though grew stronger and stronger. In time they, like the Judy before them, discovered flight, nuclear power and ultimately space exploration. They would have discovered our little business empire too if I hadn’t decimated them first. We must destroy Vimto and decimate the Workplace one final time, if we’re to survive and continue to …”
Mong’s soliloquy would have continued, were it not for the fact that his companion’s snoring had started to drown him out.