Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Dice of Doom

I am not a man to be meddled with, I think that much is clear. Well, it will be to my loyal readers. Not so, perhaps, to the six so-called Facebook friends that I have been holding virtual hostage here on the pages of my blog.

At the time of writing there are still just 24 followers. That means my ultimatum was roundly ignored. That's to say, none of the six Facebook 'friends' I selected, decided that they would follow the blog.

SO, true to my word, I will roll the Dice of Doom.

First though, I will allocate each 'friend' a number.

Firdos Anjani = 1
Elena Firstova = 2
David Doze = 3
Caroline Anne = 4
Beatriz Carvalho = 5
Alan Stevens = 6

Here goes.....drum roll please......


There we are, I'm terribly sorry Beatriz Carvalho, my 20 year old Brazilian chum, you're for the high jump. Consider youself de-friended.

OY-flippin-G readers....I've just scanned down my list of Facebook friends and guess what?

David Doze has taken the law into his own bloomin' hands and ALREADY defriended me!!! The friggin cheek of it. Doze by name, dozy by nature I say.

Seems my hardline tactics have now cost me two Facebook friends. Still, I guess it's for the best really, they weren't really my friends were they?

I have to say I feel a little deflated though. I kinda thought that at least one of my Facebook friends would join the fold. A small part of me thought that maybe one of them would start a group up on Facebook, maybe called something like 'Friends of Barry Newsdesk' and then loads of people would join up. People love joining groups on Facebook. I once joined a group called 'I'm joining this group to have one more group on Facebook'. It was hilarious.

I was planning to repeat the Dice of Doom recruitment tactic, but I think I might have to get a little bit more hardline.

I might have to up the ante readers, and become like the Taleban of the blogosphere, Osam bin Newsdesk they'll call me. Hang on though, before the FBI send down a can of whoop-ass on yours truly, I'm not going to hijack a 747 and fly it into Canary Warf. For starters, I'm not an Islam and I don't buy all that nonsense about going to Heaven and having 26 virgins, or whatever it is.

No, for my hardline follower recruitment drive I think I'm going to have to reach out to ALL my Facebook friends and issue a new ultimatum.

I will send a Facebook email to each and every one of them (excluding Mess and Jennifer Walker Shannon - that makes 167 'friends') saying that unless they join me I will defriend them, one per day (working my way through the alphabet) until they're either a follower or gone.

There are to be no more dice, it will be a war of attrition....it's my way on the virtual highway.

Yours, not in a cave in Afghanistan, but in a two bed flat somewhere in deepest South London.

Peace be with you.



  1. I think the best way to get followers is to offer chocolate products. People are whores for the chocolate. Of course that can get expensive...

  2. I would have added you as an FB friend Barry, but I can't find you!

  3. I'm not sure this tactic will work Baz but, if it does, I might actually have to join Facebook to do the same.