You may remember that a few weeks ago, I revealed that the BNP had used stock Internet photos on their party flyers because they clearly couldn't find any supporters willing to lend their faces to the campaign, and that the UK Independence Party used pictures of a non-UKIP Winnie Churchill on their flyer. Then a day later I was mailed the Liberal Democrat's slightly more honest, but uninteresting, party pamphlet.
Q: Why were they choosing now to bombard me with junk mail when they'd done cock all for me all year?
A: Tomorrow's European elections of course.
For my American and Canadian readers I think I'd better give you a bit of context. A number of years ago Germany and France got together with a number of the smaller European nations and formed club called the European Economic Community. It was major step forward, throughout history European nations have been at each other's throats almost constantly and here they were agreeing that they needed to cooperate for the greater good, and to protect themselves against America and the USSR. But mainly America.
It took Britain a few years before they were cajoled into joining. The people of Britain have long had a bit of beef with the EEC, thanks largely to the fact that our taxes subsidise French farmers. The French farmers are so heavily subsidised that they've been able to form actual lakes out of wine and mountains out of butter. It sounds as though Willy Wonka was the French minister for agriculture!! lol
Fast forward to now, and pretty much every man and his dog calling himself a country has signed up to receive our handouts. Not only that but the Europeans all now use the same money. Money, which thanks Gordon Brown and his cronies, is now worth the same as the good old fashion pound! Making us the laughing stock of Europe and making holidays to the Costa del Sol that bit more expensive.
Brown has been literally shitting his pants lately because the Labour Party promised to have a referendum on whether or not to start using that money. Which pretty much would indicate whether we, the people of Britain, want to stay in Europe. The thing is, we don't. He knows this and so won't have a referendum or indeed call a general election.
Unfortunately, for Brown, the EEC (which is now called the European Union) also holds elections. So the people of Britain will be able to (ironically) use Europe to demonstrate their displeasure with the current ruling party. However, these European elections aren't the big jazzy numbers like the one Barack Obama won. They're low-key affairs contested by people you've never heard of, who have little to no influence.
They are, to all intents and purposes, the political equivalents of the bands that enter the Eurovision song contest. Presumably all the Nordic countries vote for each other's policies and the former soviet bloc countries all vote for each other (even though they'd like to kill each other). Greece doesn't vote for Turkey (because Muslim Turkey has not yet been allowed into the EU) and no one votes for the UK.
In the interest of fair play, and because I've already mentioned the BNP, UKIP and the Lib Dems, here's the Newsdesk appraisal of the other party flyers than dropped onto my doormat over the past week.
The Conservatives: Everyone's 'hot' tip to take over from Labour at the next general election, their flyer is suitably polished and professional looking. That's becasue Tories (that a British word for Republicans) are loaded and probably got a professional PR firm to knock their's up. It features a picture of their leader, David Cameron, who looks every inch the Eaton toff that he is. I want to remain fairly unbiased here on the blog, but I really have to say Cameron has a face you could punch. Several times. Alongside the word Conservatives (in blue ink) is a picture of a tree (green ink) to symbolise how 'environmentally aware' the toffs are. A frankly transparent attempt to win over well-off greens and liberals who have had enough of Brown. It might well work, because most people are credulous morons.
Also 'playing the green card' are the UK's incumbent party. Labour. They've gone one better and got a Forestry Stewardship Council logo on their flyer. It's a tree and shows that their flyer, like their policies, are recycled. I think it's fair to say that the only thing sustainable about the Labour party, is their flyer. The chap standing for European Parliament looks about 25 and is a teacher. Which, frankly, says it all. Teachers are almost all lefties (can you confirm that Mr Coleman?). Except head teachers. Which, once again, says it all.
Another party shamelessly banging on about their green credentials are the Green Patry. Who do they think they're kidding? Their flyer isn't even on FSC paper. On the front is a picture of an attractive Afro-Carribean lady and a dowdy looking middle aged white woman wearing a cardigan. Can you guess who the candidate is? GET THIS THOUGH, she's actually my local European member of parliament. It says on the flyer just one in ten votes for Green will ensure she is re-elected...how? How does that work in a democracy that she only needs to secure 10 per cent of the vote in order to be re-elected? It's something called proportional representational voting, and basically means if you get enough votes you'll get at least one candidate in.
I quite like the Greens, don't get me wrong, they're just a bunch of well-meaning hippies. As long as they keep themselves to themselves they're OK. But green politics will not help reverse the credit crunch will they? They'll just get everyone riding around on bikes (which are a menace) and separating their rubbish (which is pointless because everyone knows it all gets shipped off to China and thrown into landfill). If the state of today's Europe is as a result of already having a Green MEP, then maybe the smarmy Tories are right, maybe it is time for a change.
So that leaves me with one last flyer. This flyer argues that a vote for them is a vote for "honesty and integrity in politics" so far, so good. They ask, "are you concerned about the far right gaining seats in Europe?" Well, yes I am as it goes. Even though their flyers are crap, the BNP and UKIP are gaing a lot of traction at the moment. So, and this is their big campaign idea kids, if we want to avoid having the BNP we should vote for The Christian Party.
Ridiculous. Who in their right mind would vote in a bunch of Bible Bashers? And surely, their campaign strategy should revolve around voting for the Christian Party because you believe in the teachings of Christ, not becasue you don't want the BNP. I'm not sure who the campaign is targeted at to be honest. I have a strong suspician that the Christian Party will lose its deposit if that's the best idea for a campaign they can come up with. There's nothing whatsoever about transport, education, policing, the economy, there's even nothing about Christ for Christ's sake.
So, there you go. A while back I considered my options in terms of joining a political party and becoming a pro-MP. But having had a good long look at all their junk mail propaganda, I can safely say I won't bother. I won't even bother voting. I think I might just stay in tomorrow and play Pro Evolution Soccer.
And that's the end of today's party political blogcast.