Friday, June 19, 2009

Taking a position

I had a chat with the guys at work about 'positions' and it turns out I've not been keeping up with the times. There's a whole other bunch of positions that the kids are using these days. Have any of you heard of the following?

Some of these sound plain weird:

The Lotus, The Wheelbarrow, The Pink Sneeze, Half and Top, The Sacred Cow, The Lambeth Walk, The Pushmepullyou, Mambling, The Lily Dive, The Spacehopper, The Catherine Wheel, Upstairs Downstairs, The Backwards Madoc (hello, campers!), The Speckled Band, Round the Horne, The Star of David, Shouting Donkey, The Putty Fuck, Bin Laden's Cave, The Double Header, The Dutch Maritime Cluster, Bill and Ben, The Half Pipe, Roast Beef with all the trimmings, Thatcher's Wank, The 1800 metres, The Terry Nutkins ( I think that might be a ladies' pubic hairstyle, actually, like the Brazillian or the Hollywood. Sort of bald on the top but really long and straight around the edges. Sounds horrible.), The Mum and Dad, Arthur Fowler's Nervous Breakdown, Three Men and a Baby (tasteless, to say the least), The Horror The Horror, The River of Babylon, Brown Girl in the Ring (shows you what those guys were up to), My Way or the Highway, In Excelsis Deo, Scream If You Wanna Go Faster, The Fritzl, M1 M6 M6 Toll (with an optional stop-off at the Little Chef), The Family Get-together, The Custardy Battle, Breslaw's Tent, The Cull, Up On The Roof, The Soho No Olives, The No-Not-There-Come-On-You-Like-It-Really-No-No-I-Really-Don't-Please-Can-We-Just-Stop-No-We-Can't-Stop-Until-You-Say-The-Safeword-I-Can't-Remember-The-Safeword-Oh-You-Naughty-Little-Thing-No-No-I-Really-Can't-Remember-The-Safeword-Please-Can-We-Stop-Not-Until-You-Say-The-Safeword-Oh-God-Oh-God-What's-The-Bloody-Safeword-I'm-Not-Telling-You-Please-Tell-Me-Not-Until-I'm-Finished-KANGAROO!-It's-Kangaroo-Oh-You-Miserable-Bitch-I'll-Have-To-Finish-Myself-Off-Now-I-Didn't-Really-Want-You-To-Stop-But-You-Said-The-Safeword-Yes-I-Know-But-It-Really-Turns-Me-On-The-Idea-Of-You-Ignoring-The-Safeword-And-Just-Continuing-To-Do-What-You-Want-Well-How-Am-I-Supposed-To-Know-When-You-Really-Want-Me-To-Stop-Then-Oh-Just-Forget-It-No-Come-On-I-Need-To-Know-Look-Just-Forget-It-There-Is-Such-A-Thing-As-Spontaneity-You-Know-I-Don't-Know-Why-You-Have-To-Plan-Everything-You're-So-Controlling-But-I-Thought-That's-What-You-Wanted-Me-To-Be-Like-Tonight-Look-Just-Get-Off-Let's-Go-And-Watch-Holby-City, Mornington Cresent, The Loving Way, Sobbin' Women, The Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home, Terrahawks, The Ouch!, The Handjob While I'm Watching Porn With The Sound Down And You're Reading Grazia, The Flat Back Four, The Pot The Red And Screwback For The Yellow Green Brown Blue Pink And Black, The Sometimes You Look Just Like Your Mum, The Big Hairy Monkey, and the On A Chair In The Kitchen.

It makes the mind boggle, readers.

ND out.


  1. funny shit. but you forgot the 'Take your Teeth out Gradma I don't want to get scabs again.'

  2. The Arthur Fowler one made me laugh out loud. This is a work of genius.

  3. Cheers for your comments everyone.

    Brap Brap.