Sunday, March 8, 2009

Stars in their eyes

Last Sunday I waxed lyrical about one of the world's newest, fastest growing religions, Scientology. This week, I propose to turn back the wheels of time and take a dip into the distant past, lifting the lid on one of the oldest religions on planet Earth. Or rather, the galaxy...this week, you see, I shall spend a Spritual Sunday moment or two with my eyes turned to the heavens themselves. This week, Matthew, I'll be writing about Astrology.

It's probably not as old as Voodoo, which was the first religion that I described in detail. But Astrology easily dates back to a time when Man had yet to even make up believing in God.

Astrology is pretty simple to grasp at first, but takes a lifetime to master. Not unlike the classic strategy board game Othello.

The belief system tells its followers that their lives are predetermined according to the time of year that they were born.

The calendar year is split into 12 star signs or 'Zodiacs', as they're sometimes known. Though the star signs straddle the traditional months, making the Astrological Calendar a little bit trickier to keep tabs on. I've listed the 12 signs of the Zodiac below:

Aquarious (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 21)
Leo (Jul 22 - Aug 21)
Virgo (Aug 22 - Sep 22)
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Sagittarious (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 19)

But how does that tell you anything? I hear you call.

Well, Astrology is run by Astrologers. These guys are basically the witch doctors and vicars of Astrology. Using complex systems that have been made up and refined over thousands of years, the Astrologers examine the position of the stars and planets in the night sky, in relation to the known position of the stars and planets at the time of your birth. From this scientific observation, Astrologers are able to tell you what will happen to you on any given day.

Once again, and like pretty much all the other religions going, this sounds absolutely ludicrous.

I was born on July 20th, which makes me a Cancer. That doesn't sound very nice. But on the contrary, according to one leading online Astrology website:

"Cancers are cute. They pretend to be tough but it's all an act. They have great memories and lots of them are good at history. They love anything old, like museums, antiques and your grandmother. They are fairly secretive and hide things - food in their drawers and cupboards for instance. They stay pretty close to home, are extremely psychic, have a great sense of humour and are the world's best cooks. They collect things. Other people call this garbage but to them it's'd never find a Cancerian throwing a garage sale."


At first, I will admit that I was pretty sceptical about the power of Astrology. However, now I've done some digging around, it's pretty amazing really. Almost everything above applies to me.

Another great advantage that Astrology has over other vague religions, like Christianity and Islam, is that it can help its followers determine who they will get on with. Some of the world's greatest leaders, such as Napoleon, used Astrology to pick who they would trust.

Here are the compatibility charts for Cancer:

Perfect Partners: Scorpio, Pisces
Nearly Perfect Partners: Taurus, Virgo
Like Minded Souls: Cancer
Opposites You're Attracted To: Sagittarius, Aquarius
Learn From Your Differences: Gemini, Leo
Not Your Destiny: Aries, Libra
Astrological Hell: Capricorn

It didn't surprise me one bit to discover that Amber is a Pisces, while Gill is a Librarian. Furthermore, Richard at Blockbusters, is a CAPRICORN. Now that makes a lot of sense. And, if proof be need be that Astrology has some genuine clout, Mum, like me, is also a Cancer.

You can get plenty of books about Astrology and you can even contstruct your own charts and make stuff up using a telescope. But as with most of these things it is far better to leave it to the professionals. Most newspapers and women's magazine feature daily or monthly star sign prediction pages, these are made up by the Astrologers themseleves. In Britain, the two most famous Astrologers are Russell Grant and Patrick Moore.

The next time I look up into the sky and wonder what the fickle Mistress of Fate has in store for me, I'll head inside and log on to the Internet to find out.

Here's what I've got to look forward next week to according to one leading online Astrologer:

"Business relationships will require solid definition this week. Beginning early Tuesday expect office managers and officials to publicly demand results or announce key policy changes. Much of this may be simple dramatics; don't expect authority figures to actually implement long term changes. The next 11 days will determine the outcome of difficult office dynamics or business power struggles. Wait for concrete signs of change before making public statements. After Wednesday romance and social obligations will be complex. Expect loved ones to compete for your attention or make unusual statements concerning family relationships. Emotions are unpredictable at present: watch for minor outbursts and criticism. Friday calm attitudes return: pace yourself and avoid quick judgements. "

Fingers crossed readers, this Wednesday could be something special!!!

As Oscar Wilde famously said, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

Mind you, they locked him up in Wandsworth Prison. He might have been witty, but that didn't stop him breaking the law.

Oscar Wilde was a Sagittarious.


  1. Patrick Moore is an ASTRONOMER - bit of a difference, Barry!
    Also Gill is a LIBRAN - unless she does indeed work in a library - a visit to which I would recommend rather than rely on the less-than-dependable information contained in Wikipedia.
    PS "A Sagittarious" - is that a SAGITTARIAN inclined towards being serious?

  2. I would spend more time in the local library Mr Coleman, but what with working at Blockbusters, carrying out Citizen Journalism and playing Pro Evolution Soccer, I don't have much free time.

    Thankfully, I've got your excellent proofing skills to fall back on!

    Cheers for the corrections.