Happy Diwali everybody

Weeeee.....wish you a merry Diwali
We wish you a merry Diwali
We wish you a merry Diwali
....and a happy Halloween

As old skool Bazlar Newsdeskittes will know, I am a practising Buddhist. As such today is a special day for me and not just for me, but from my good friend Ajay at the Taj. Because today is Diwali, which is like Christmas Day for both Buddhists and Hindus.

What's a Hindu? You might ask, lay eggs! ;-)) Sorry all you Hindus in the House of Newsdesk, that was not intended as a racislistical slur on your fine religion. It was a joke that my good friend Dave the roofer always cracks.

Other jokes Dave always cracks are:

Q: What's a Greek urn?
A: Five bob a week

Q: How'd you make a Swiss roll?
A: Push him down the hill

Q: How do you make a Maltese Cross?
A: Punch him on the nose

Q: How do you make a Venetian blind
A: Poke him in the eye

The thing is, it's gentle humour, not racism, Dave the roofer has no problem with Greeks, the Swiss, Malta or the people of Venice.

But it's this kind of humour that the dear old Beeb has decided to outlaw - they've introduced a whole new set of rules about comedy. It can no longer be rude, humiliating or offensive. I think it's possibly political correctness gone mad.

Mind, if we didn't introduce rules like this, the likes of Jim Davidson would still be doing the rounds with his characterisation of a hapless West Indian called Chalkie.

Back in Lincoln, the centre forward of my local boys football club was black and everyone called him Chalkie. The manager told us that we weren't to call him Chalkie, that it was racist and bad. But we didn't know, all we saw was Jim Davidson's 'harmless fun'.

So, actually, now I come to think of it, maybe Dave's Hindu gag is a bit out of order. So please accept my apologies my Hindu friends.

I'm pretty sure the Hindus will accept my apology, Gandhi was a Hindu, they're basically the original hippies (although, I suppose the Christians might argue otherwise - still that's religion for you).

So, if you're out and about, if you see an Indian, go and wish him a merry Diwali.

Peace out

Barry
x

Club 40-40

I've had an epiphany readers. After reading Mr C's brilliant comment on the last one one post (regarding the establishment of what would in effect be The Barry Newsdesk Online Idea Factory), I realised that I really am an Ideas Man. (I'm also a ladies man, but that's another story lol).

I had my latest idea while I was thinking about where to go on holiday next year. I'd just received a letter from the Buddhist Retreat in Scotland that I went to not so long ago asking me whether I wanted to book in now and receive what it called 'An Early Bird Discount'. But I don't want worms readers!!! That's why I play things by ear most of the time. That's when you find the real discounts, I'm the late bird, like an owl, who has turned his back on worms for breakfast, and now feasts on nocturnal delights.

The Buddhist retreat was great though and I thought maybe I would be able to use my experience and knowledge of the world's religions to establish some other sort of religious retreat. Religious people love a holiday don't they? Some of our fav hols are religious, whatsmore they love a cause, possibly more than non-religious people, apart from Animal Rights campaigners. They're sometimes even more fervent than muslim martyrs aren't they?

It was then that I had my epiphany, I'm thinking of setting up a special Judeo-Christian Camp called 40 Days and 40 Nights (not unlike Richard Dawkins and his crazy atheist camp). Y'see it's like the Perfect Storm in many ways, I've been camping quite a bit recently and I've been studying religion. It's as though all my ideas have formed a mighty tsunami.

I envisage highering actors to play the parts of significant figures throughout religious history, then campers can not only enjoy the great outdoors for 40 days and 40 nights, but they can also learn first hand about some of the greatest religions to have shaped the world.

My business plan involves finding a suitable campsite in which to stage my Religious Expereince. I was thinking of looking in Britain, the credit crunch has certainly encouraged people to stay in this country more and maybe my camp can help resore life to the English seaside resort. I was thinking of doing it in Cleethorpes, with the best will in the world, it is something of a wilderness up there, and the tide goes out for miles, so I can use the Humber Estury for the Red Sea parting scenes.

Next up, I'll place an advert in Stage or somewhere elese online and free looking for my leading lights. I'll need at least one Jesus, a Mohammed, a Moses and a Satan. I figure I can probably use locals or students looking for work for the minor parts.

Finally, I'll need funding. So I'll do what I do best and write some emails. I'm sure Thompson Holidays will be interested, not to mention the Vatican.

I'll keep you posted on developments as they unfold.

Take care guys.

Barry

Never again...

I've got a stonking hangover today. I don't know why I do it to be honest? Gill always said I was a borderline alcoholic, I certainly don't feel like a drink right now, so I guess that means I can't be an alkie, they don't just like a drink, they need a drink. Actually, now I've said that, I reckon a little one just to take the edge off things might help.

Gill's been at the forefront of my mind recently readers, I've not really had the time to be thinking of old friends, not since I started the new job, but she's nearly three months gone! Wow, how time flies eh?

I was really pleased then when my my old friend Dave, the roofer, texted me and asked me I fancied a drink up, "for old times sake", he'll never get the hang of apostrophes. God only knows what kind of father he'll make! I was so glad he got in touch, becasue I wanted to tell him all about how I've totally landed on my feet with the new job.

When I met up with him he wasn't wearing his beloved John Terry Chelsea shirt, he reckons Terry is going to do the off, some bloke he knows who works at Marcos restaurant told him. He called Terry a "fucking Judas", which is Dave's staple insult for an footballer who has moved clubs. Dave was wearing what looked like an American football shirt with Gretzky 99 on the back. Which I thought was weird, because Dave can't stand Americans.

The last time I'd spoken with Gill, just before I started my new job, she'd told me that Dave the roofer had presented her with £10k and promised £1k per month indefinitely for the upkeep of the child that she had decided to selfishly keep. Now, the way I figured it, Dave must have gotten himself into some murky roofing scams to come up with that sort of money, either that or it was an out and out lie by Gill just to belittle me. But it turns out that Dave's rich uncle Dave from Edmonton passed on a few months ago and left him with a bag of cash and one or two properties. It's easy to be generous when you're rich isn't it?

Dave, the roofer, had always talked about his rich uncle Dave from Edmonton. But I never even met him. Seems Dave's father and his brother (Dave - Dave's uncle) had set up a roofing business in the late 70s, then much like Adolf Dassler and Rudolph Dassler founders of the sporting goods giants Adidas and Puma, the two brothers had an almighty argument and went their separate ways.

Dave's father handed down the Chelsea roofing business to Dave, meanwhile Dave's uncle Dave moved to Edmonton and started afresh. Now, I thought that meant he'd moved to Edmonton, Enfield in North London, but actually he'd moved to Edmonton, Alberta in Canada!

That's quite the rift. Anyway, Dave told me all this over a pint or eight in the Imperial on the King's Road. Seems Dave has spent the last few weeks over in Canada. Dave reckons his uncle never married out there, and in his last will and testament he left Dave his entire estate, under the proviso that Dave moves out to Edmonton to run the business!!

Dave wasn't going to do it, out of loyalty to his father, but then when Gill came along and ruined everything, he thought it would make financial sense. Plus, Dave's dad said to him that it'd be all right, he'd take care of things in Chelsea and anyway Dave has had enough of living in London, "cos of all the immigrants". I pointed out that when Dave moves to Canada to take over the Edmonton roofing business, he'll be in immigrant himself. But I don't think he quite understood.

We had quite an emotional night, as you can well imagine, it will be terrible to see the back of Dave. We've had such a journey together. Get this though, he's asked me to be the Godfather of his unborn child! I said I wasn't sure that Gill would be keen, but he just winked at me and said he has certain ways of talking her around to his way of thinking, then he did this thing with his tongue in his cheek and said "she loves it Bazzler." Well, I felt a bit sick to be honest, but we'd had a few sherberts and so I let it wash over me.

The thing is readers, I'm not sure that I should accept Dave's invitation to be his child's Godfather. As regular readers will know, I've been taking in-depth looks at religion and it's made me appreciate the finer points of the need for spirituality, that said what if Gill and Dave decide the back the wrong horse at the font? I'm not sure if I could live with myself if I stood up in an anglican church and promised to God that I'd look after Dave and Gill's child, if God forbid, anything should happen to them, only to then discover at a later date that it's not the anglican God that I should have been making promises to, but the Catholic God or worse still the Jewish God, now I've done some reading around the subject and I can catagorically say that you wouldn't want to fuck with the God of the Old Testament, he'd rain down bad on yo ass.

Imagine, you're dead right, and then you find out that actually you should have paid attention to the Jehovah's Witnesses who knocked on your door the previous weekend and now you're doomed to wander the Earth in limbo like an unseen zombie in that film with Rickey Gervais. The thing is, at least you've made your choice, as it were, I might well have been rude the doorstepping God botherers, but it was my choice, and that's my right as a human being. It's called FREE WILL, duuuuuuuuh! But If I stand up at a font in the wrong type of church and make a load of promises, won't that just anger the correct God?! And then I've pretty much condemed Dave and Gill's child to a lifetime of blasphemy and an eternity in the fiery pit of the hell of whichever God I've gone and inadvertedly pissed off.

It would be hipocrisy, and no one could accuse me of being an hippocrates. Least of all Dave the bloody roofer, who, when all's said and done, decided to bang my recently ex'd girlfriend, bring a bastard child into the world and then bugger off to the other side of the world.

I might suggest that we work on signing Dave junior up to a selection of some of key religions right from the get go, just in case.

Anyway, I'm off to take a dump now.

Peace out

Barry
x

Jehovah, Jehovah

Last night I watched Evan Almighty on DVD (I got a copy off a Chinese woman in the pub. I like to think that by supporting enterprising local entrepreneurs, I played a small part in getting Blockbusters on the High Street closed down) and this morning I was awoken by the sound of thunder.

"It's the flood," I thought, "maybe it's a sign from God."

It's stopped raining now, so I'm almost 100 per cent sure the world is not about to be engulfed by a Biblical flood. Still, it is Sunday morning and I'm feeling kind of spiritual. It's been a fair old while since I started my quest to discover whether there is a God ot not. As regular readers will know, I have yet to fully complete the quest. I've investigated Voodoo, Islam, Christianty, Scientology, Astrology and Judaism. And I wasn't able to come up with any kind of concrete proof that there is a God.

Yesterday, though, I got a comment from my good friend, the retired school master Mr Coleman that was so lovely that it really made me think that, like Annie Lennox, there must be an angel playing with my heart.

I'm blessed readers, and not just because of of my brilliant blogging skills. No, I'm blessed with a gift far greater than wonderful blogs, I'm blessed with the gift of friendship. I'm turning all mushy, like a pot of peas at Goose Fair.

If you can't be arsed, or simply haven't got the time to read Mr C's comment, it turns out that he's got a dodgy ticker and reading about the harrowing nature of my life has made him realise how lucky he is. But there was something else about the comment that made me think of God. He's having surgury soon and they're going to use a pig's heart valve.

Clearly, then, Mr Coleman is not a Jehovah's Witness (or as my good friend Dave, the roofer, calls them, a Bon Jovi's Witness). The Jehovah's Witnesses are a funny old bunch, they're basically really hard core Christians that believe that the world is about to end and only they'll be allowed up into Heaven.

To be honest, it's standard religious fayre isn't it? If you're not part of the club, you won't get into Heaven. But what if they're right??

Well, I know who won't be going to Heaven if they're right, thanks to having the heart of a swine. That's right. It's Mr Coleman. The Jehovah's Witnesses think that by tinkering with anatomy you're basically trying to 'play God' and as such you should not be allowed into Heaven!!

Well, I tell you what, that sounds pretty darned messed up, if anyone deserves to go to Heaven then it's Mr Coleman (that said, I'm sure that you've got years ahead of you!!).

The thing is, that means I think they're wrong. But the mother of my old school friend Steve up in Lincoln became a Jehovah's Witness a few years ago, and she's a really nice lady. So I hope if there is a God he won't hold her beliefs against her, unless she's right, in which case I hope God will spare a thought for Mr Coleman and not throw is soul into Hell for all eternity.

Maybe you should get a mechanical valve Mr Coleman. Then you'd be a cyborg!! COOL BEANS.

You could start The Bionic Blog. I'd definitely become a follower and I bet Mess would too.

I guess that's the end of today's sermon.

Live long and prosper.

Barry
x

Slaughter of the Innocents

Sometimes I just seem to be at one with The News. It’s one of the reasons that I’ve turned to Citizen Journalism. It’s not for the money, after all. Lol!!

You may have seen the story that, over the weekend, A prominent US abortion doctor called George Tiller was shot dead while at church by somebody who disagreed with his decisions to carry out what are called Late Term Abortions; terminations that are done when the woman is a long way through the pregnancy. This shooting is a tragic event, for sure, but the timing couldn’t be better in terms of the debate currently raging in the world of Newsdesk.

I’m not pleased about it from an ethical point of view, don’t get me wrong. But when you’re all about the news, as I am, you become detached from the emotions and you just see the news. A bit like Neo in the Matrix, if the Matrix was all made of news, instead of ones and zeroes. I am The One! Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, our thoughts are with Dr Tiller’s family at this difficult time. Tiller steered a difficult course, you could say. Or maybe puns are inappropriate. I’m a journalist, not a sub editor, so I don’t know.

As you know, though, Gill is planning to get rid of baby Dave the Roofer; she’s going to have an abortion. And lots of people think abortions are very bad indeed. These people think there’s no real difference between the act of murdering George Tiller, and the work that he did, which they think is murder, too. Then there are the vegetarians, who think meat is murder, but we’ll leave them be for now.

The question, really, is whether or not you class the unborn child as truly alive. Does it exist as a person, because only if it does, really, can it be murdered. The Catholics, for example, they call abortion “The Slaughter of the Innocents”. Weirdly, the Catholics seem to think that only during the period of their own gestation are human beings in a state of innocence, because once you’re born they spend the rest of your life telling you how guilty you are.

Nope, slaughter of the innocents is a very emotive term and I think it’s used to whip people up into a fervour about the whole thing. And religious extremists love a bit of that fervour, they’re always at it. It also sounds a bit like a title for an Iron Maiden album. A really good Iron Maiden Album, actually. I can just see Eddie dressed up as a doctor on the cover, fighting the Pope and all his minions, while sexy nurses cling to his legs. Although that probably wouldn’t get past the killjoys at the censorship bureau.

Anyway, proper tub-thumping Bible Bashers, like a lot of people, especially in the US, say that the best way to stop unwanted children being born into lives of poverty and horror is not to give out abortions but to preach celibacy. But we’re programmed to want sex, it’s what we do. When we can, anyway, and when we haven’t got so bored by the person we live with that we fantasise endlessly about Susie Dent from Countdown. Just imagine what it would be like with Susie whispering endless streams of complicated words into your ear and telling you what they mean, or allowing you to trace erotic lines on her body with the pen-cam. She never seems to age, Susie Dent, does she.

Back to celibacy, though, and I think we know that on this issue the Catholic Church has a few skeletons in its closet – literally, in some cases, I expect, and is perhaps guilty of hypocrisy. You can’t just tell people not to have sex, unless they’re under age, of course – and even then most of them don’t listen. But the Catholics are always saying people shouldn’t be given birth control, because it’s denying life, because the purpose of sex is to procreate. I wonder where they stand with blow jobs? Out the back in the choir’s changing room, I expect! Lol.

People in favour of abortions – they call themselves pro-choice – argue that it’s only really down to the woman to decide what should happen. It is, after all, her body that the baby’s body resides in. And although as a man I think it’s a little bit unfair for women to decide whether or not the man becomes a father, I guess if it was my body I wouldn’t let anybody tell me what to do with it. Gill was always going on at me for drinking too much Cobra, for example, but when it comes to Cobra, I’m distinctly Pro Choice!!! Lol.

But it should be the woman’s choice because, I’ll tell you something personal here, if it wasn’t the woman’s choice, you wouldn’t be reading this. One of the things my Dad told me before he left – I’ll give you the whole story one day – was that he never wanted me in the first place. That’s why I love my Mum; she gave me life.

I bet bloody Roger would like to do away with me too, just like Dad, so he can have Mum all to himself. It’s not going to happen, though. She’s my Mum, and that’s always going to come first. Always. So Roger can shove it.

The chosen people

The Jews are a talented bunch. Think about it: Some of the world’s funniest people are Jewish, such as Woody Allen. Some of the world’s cleverest people are or have been Jewish, such as Albert Einstein (although he didn’t actually believe in the God of organised religion, and he was pretty bright, so maybe there’s something to take notice of right there). Some of the finest singers are Jewish, like Barbara Streisand. And some of the people you least expect to be Jewish are Jewish, like Bob Dylan. The world of cinema is packed to the rafters with wonderful Jewish actors, directors and – probably, who knows? – costume makers and key grips. As religious groups go, the Jews are probably the high achievers. Amazingly, less than 0.3% of the world’s population are Jewish, yet they’ve quite an impact on the world stage, a bit like the Irish and their theme pubs.

But who was the most famous Jew of them all? Well, would you believe me if I told you that it was Jesus? Because it was.

Judaism is the forerunner of Christianity in many ways. The older Christian stuff tallies fairly closely with the teachings of Judaism. It is also believed to have influenced a good deal of the Islamic faith. For example, you wouldn’t get a ham sandwich in the canteen at a Synagogue (the Jewish religious building) or at a Mosque. The reason is that both religions forbid the eating of pigs because they think they are unclean animals. Actually, and I don’t want to get in anyone’s face here, or naysay anyone’s beliefs, but that’s quite wrong. Pigs are basically very clean. They’re easily as clean as dogs, and dogs mouths are actually cleaner than our own! Not that I’d eat a dog, like they do in some countries.

Anyway, you’ve got to figure that, as far as eating goes, the Christians got off pretty lightly by not adopting the no-pig rule. I have to say, that’s enough on its own to keep me out of Judaism. I COULD NOT give up my bacon sandwiches/baby back ribs/pork belly/chorizo. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. But, no pigmeat for the Jewish. That’s a hell of a cross to bear. I wonder if they can eat Frazzles?

One thing that’s different about Judaism is that the Sabbath is on a Saturday. Well, actually, it starts on a Friday night and goes through til Saturday night. So it kind of stuffs up your weekend because you have to stay at home on Friday night. It must be tough on the kids.

Sadly, because of man’s inhumanity to man, people of the Jewish faith have suffered hugely throughout the years, and been persecuted by lots of other races, not least by the Germans. Certainly, perhaps because it was so recent, the actions of the Germans are felt to be especially bad and are still known to rankle with Jewish people. Everyone knows about the holocaust from films such as Schindler’s List, the Dirty Dozen and the Dambusters, so we don’t need to go into that here. But suffice to say, the people of Judea have had a pretty rough time of it.

There’s nothing you can say to justify this kind of behaviour, but perhaps it stems in part from the fact that Judaism teaches that the Jews are the chosen people and that they are here to set an example to everyone else, which is a bit jumped up. That doesn’t make persecution right, though, of course. It’s disgusting and it makes me ashamed to be a gentile (the Jewish word for infidel). I’m just trying to understand these things.

It was still an issue when I was a kid, with Jewish people, like the Scotch, having a reputation for being stingy with money. I want to go on the record right here and say that I’ve got Jewish friends, I’ve been to their houses and, while I didn’t get any bacon, they were very generous and lovely. So that stuff about being tight is a load of old nonsense. A lot of it is down to Shakespeare who wrote a character called Shylock who was a nasty hook-nosed money lender and created a stereotype that was adopted down the years. He was used as the basis for the character Watto in the first Star Wars prequel. Anyway, like I pointed out, it’s a cruel stereotype.

That said, when I was a kid I had a Jewish guitar teacher called Mr Bloomstein. He was short, with a big nose and, not to put too fine a point on it, he was a bit thrifty. BUT, here’s the thing: the guitar teacher I had before him was called Mr Adams. He was also short, he also had a big nose, and he was also a bit thrifty. Was he Jewish? No he was not. He was, as far as I could tell, altogether without religion. This just goes to show that stereotypes are dangerous things. For example, you would be foolish to draw the conclusion, based on my evidence, that all guitar teachers are short, big-nosed tightwads.

The important thing when discussing Judaism is that we separate the Jews from Israel. Not physically, of course. To physically separate the people from their country would get them in a right old state (a Palestinian state, as it were!). Israel is, after all, their Promised Land. Although, it has to be said, if you don’t believe in their God, you can’t really take that promise too seriously. For example, I could invent a religion of my own and say that my God promised me Penelope Cruz. But if I flew over to Hollywood to claim my right, I’d probably get put in prison. And rightly so—Penelope is a beautiful woman, for sure, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to sexually harass her. And that goes for all beautiful women, not just Penelope.

No, what I mean is that Israel and Israelis aren’t representative of all Jews, like Catholics aren’t representative of all Christians, if you like, or the Taliban of all Muslims. So we must make sure we separate them in a discursive sense.

Israel, I think it’s fair to say, can be a bit bolshy. Like a spoiled little girl. Certainly it likes to have things its own way. For example, it is unarguably situated in the Middle East. However, it manages to get itself in to European competitions, such as the Eurovision Song Contest and the European Championship football tournament. This is politics at work, people, using populist events to generate solidarity between nations on grounds that simply don’t exist. There’s something not quite right about it, not unlike Israel’s 1998 Eurovision winner Dana, a woman who, it was later revealed, had a penis.

That penis, incidentally, was probably a roundhead and not a cavalier. This is because part of the Jewish religion is that all boys must be circumcised. Personally I find this a bit offensive. I’m happy to say it: I have not been circumcised. I own a foreskin and I don’t see what’s so bad about it that someone should decree that an entire race be forced to live without it. How can they make the decision if they don’t know what it’s like to have one, eh? And aren’t they insulting my foreskin by saying that they don’t think anyone should have one?

After all, if you’re religious, you believe that God made you. And on one of those days when He was making everything, perhaps in a quiet moment after He’d done the face, the finger and the foot (assuming He did it all alphabetically) He’d have thought to Himself:

“I know what that needs, it needs an extra piece of skin, just… there. Oh, now, I have to say, I’m rather pleased with that. I hope they don’t decide to cut it off!”

Still, Judaism, like a lot of religions, is basically run by a load of old men who think they know what’s good for everybody else. And, if what they think is that I can’t go out on a Friday, can’t have any bacon and they want to lop the end of my willy off, I think I’ll pass.

Stars in their eyes

Last Sunday I waxed lyrical about one of the world's newest, fastest growing religions, Scientology. This week, I propose to turn back the wheels of time and take a dip into the distant past, lifting the lid on one of the oldest religions on planet Earth. Or rather, the galaxy...this week, you see, I shall spend a Spritual Sunday moment or two with my eyes turned to the heavens themselves. This week, Matthew, I'll be writing about Astrology.

It's probably not as old as Voodoo, which was the first religion that I described in detail. But Astrology easily dates back to a time when Man had yet to even make up believing in God.

Astrology is pretty simple to grasp at first, but takes a lifetime to master. Not unlike the classic strategy board game Othello.

The belief system tells its followers that their lives are predetermined according to the time of year that they were born.

The calendar year is split into 12 star signs or 'Zodiacs', as they're sometimes known. Though the star signs straddle the traditional months, making the Astrological Calendar a little bit trickier to keep tabs on. I've listed the 12 signs of the Zodiac below:

Aquarious (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 21)
Leo (Jul 22 - Aug 21)
Virgo (Aug 22 - Sep 22)
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Sagittarious (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 19)

But how does that tell you anything? I hear you call.

Well, Astrology is run by Astrologers. These guys are basically the witch doctors and vicars of Astrology. Using complex systems that have been made up and refined over thousands of years, the Astrologers examine the position of the stars and planets in the night sky, in relation to the known position of the stars and planets at the time of your birth. From this scientific observation, Astrologers are able to tell you what will happen to you on any given day.

Once again, and like pretty much all the other religions going, this sounds absolutely ludicrous.

I was born on July 20th, which makes me a Cancer. That doesn't sound very nice. But on the contrary, according to one leading online Astrology website:

"Cancers are cute. They pretend to be tough but it's all an act. They have great memories and lots of them are good at history. They love anything old, like museums, antiques and your grandmother. They are fairly secretive and hide things - food in their drawers and cupboards for instance. They stay pretty close to home, are extremely psychic, have a great sense of humour and are the world's best cooks. They collect things. Other people call this garbage but to them it's gold...you'd never find a Cancerian throwing a garage sale."

OMG!!!

At first, I will admit that I was pretty sceptical about the power of Astrology. However, now I've done some digging around, it's pretty amazing really. Almost everything above applies to me.

Another great advantage that Astrology has over other vague religions, like Christianity and Islam, is that it can help its followers determine who they will get on with. Some of the world's greatest leaders, such as Napoleon, used Astrology to pick who they would trust.

Here are the compatibility charts for Cancer:

Perfect Partners: Scorpio, Pisces
Nearly Perfect Partners: Taurus, Virgo
Like Minded Souls: Cancer
Opposites You're Attracted To: Sagittarius, Aquarius
Learn From Your Differences: Gemini, Leo
Not Your Destiny: Aries, Libra
Astrological Hell: Capricorn

It didn't surprise me one bit to discover that Amber is a Pisces, while Gill is a Librarian. Furthermore, Richard at Blockbusters, is a CAPRICORN. Now that makes a lot of sense. And, if proof be need be that Astrology has some genuine clout, Mum, like me, is also a Cancer.

You can get plenty of books about Astrology and you can even contstruct your own charts and make stuff up using a telescope. But as with most of these things it is far better to leave it to the professionals. Most newspapers and women's magazine feature daily or monthly star sign prediction pages, these are made up by the Astrologers themseleves. In Britain, the two most famous Astrologers are Russell Grant and Patrick Moore.

The next time I look up into the sky and wonder what the fickle Mistress of Fate has in store for me, I'll head inside and log on to the Internet to find out.

Here's what I've got to look forward next week to according to one leading online Astrologer:

"Business relationships will require solid definition this week. Beginning early Tuesday expect office managers and officials to publicly demand results or announce key policy changes. Much of this may be simple dramatics; don't expect authority figures to actually implement long term changes. The next 11 days will determine the outcome of difficult office dynamics or business power struggles. Wait for concrete signs of change before making public statements. After Wednesday romance and social obligations will be complex. Expect loved ones to compete for your attention or make unusual statements concerning family relationships. Emotions are unpredictable at present: watch for minor outbursts and criticism. Friday calm attitudes return: pace yourself and avoid quick judgements. "

Fingers crossed readers, this Wednesday could be something special!!!

As Oscar Wilde famously said, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

Mind you, they locked him up in Wandsworth Prison. He might have been witty, but that didn't stop him breaking the law.

Oscar Wilde was a Sagittarious.

Scientology

It’s Sunday today and naturally my thoughts are tending towards all matters spiritual. As part of my on-going quest to decide whether or not there is a God, I’ve covered some of the classic religions: Voodoo, Islam and Christianity. Today though, I’d like to share with you the fruits of my labours regarding an avant garde new religion that you might not have heard of.

Scientology.

Wtf? It doesn’t even sound like a religion. It sounds like one of the options you get at schools these days. In my day, you did chemistry, physics and biology. From what Amber was telling me these days they all get lumped together, if I had to guess at a decent name for this lumping together of all the sciences, I’d guess at Scientology. But I’d be wrong. You’d be much more likely to stumble across Scientology as part of your religious education.

Then again, when I did RE at school we tended to focus mainly on Christianity. No one mentioned Scientology – not once. Which is bit odd, because it’s been around since 1953 when the religion’s founder L Ron Hubbard made it all up. That said, the religion only gained its tax-free status in the 1990s. This was an important breakthrough for the Church of Scientology, which basically rewards its followers with something called ‘Tech’ according to their levels of financial contributions.

In short, Tech is knowledge. The more Tech you acquire, the more you understand the religion and the more in tune with God you become. Unlike pretty much every other religion in the world, the followers of Scientology aren’t given the full low down from the word go. They have to invest in Tech. Some people are critical of this religious business model, but I think it makes a lot of sense, particularly in today’s non-stop hectic world. Sometimes you haven’t got time to sit around reading about theology. If you do it by stages, you’ve got a better chance of understanding it all. Like the Open University.

There’s lots of stuff on the internet about Scientology. Lots of people are openly critical of Scientology because, frankly, it promotes some fairly ‘out there’ view points. Do you remember the TV show V? Well, that’s basically Scientology in a nutshell. Man is immortal, and his soul is called a Thetan. Thetans have lived on other planets before coming to live on Earth. They’re just using our bodies as soul storage facilities.

It sounds totally mental, right? Well, yeah, I suppose it does a little bit, but if you think about the tall tales you're expected to swallow with all the other religions, then maybe it's not so mental afterall. I suppose there's just as much chance of us all being Immportal Lizard Men as there is of the whole world being created in just seven days 6000 years ago by some all-seeing, all-powerful dude who lives in a place called Heaven where we all go when we die.

I’d better be careful about just how much information I present here readers. The Scientologists are pretty touchy when it comes to copyright infringements and they’ve been known to use some fairly strong-arm techniques when it comes to getting their message across.

That said, you might well see Scientologists on your local High Street. They sometimes set up shop offering Free Stress Tests. Which sounds pretty nice to me. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, as Mum always says.

Scientology is probably the sexiest religion going at the moment, and as such it attracts famous actors from Hollywood. Tom Cruise, John Travolta and David Beckham are all famous Scientologists. You're much more likely to see those guys in the Metro than you are the Pope. And if you're looking to attract youngsters to your religion you stand a much better chance if its followers are in the Metro.

You can certainly see why Scientology is so popular at the moment. It attracts genuine Hollywood followers, it offers up the belief that we’re all immortal Lizard Gods from Outer Space, and you can buy your way in. So it offers up a level of exclusivity that you just don’t seem to find with all the boring old fashioned religions.

If you’ve got the cash, you can be a Scientologist pretty much anywhere in the world. One place you can’t be a Scientologist though is Germany. Those guys have banned it. I’m disappointed in the Germans' lack of religious tolerance. Disappointed, but not that surprised!

Gotta go now readers, I’m starving. If I was back in Lincoln Mum’d be cooking me a lovely roast dinner. As it is, all I’ve got are beans and broccoli. Think I’ll have that on toast, washed down with a can of Cobra. Natch*.

*naturally.

The Christians

It’s Sunday today and traditionally that’s the day Mum goes to church. As I write these words she is almost certainly wishing Rev Smyth well and congratulating him on yet another wonderful service.

You’ve got to take your hat off to the Christians. When it comes to religions, Buddhism aside, Christianity is almost certainly the nicest. The take home message of Christianity is that you should be nice to people and expect others to be nice to you, and even if they aren’t you should (and I quote Jesus Himself) “turn the other cheek”.

Christianity is the most popular religion on the planet. I think that’s probably because it appeals to something deep within us all. Even if you mess up and do nasty things, at the end of the day God will let you off and St Peter will let you into Heaven.

It wasn’t always the case that Christianity was so popular, of course. Before Jesus was born 2009 years ago, in a manger no crib for a bed, no one had even heard of Christianity. Jesus Himself was actually a Jew, although He said a few things back then that upset his fellow Jews and so they persuaded the Romans put to Him to death. Even then, He still found time to let the Jews off, “forgive them father, they don’t know what they’re doing,” He said.

I don’t know about you readers, I would have been absolutely bloody fuming!!!

I’m pretty sure the Old Testament God would have smited the Romans and the Jews, but He didn’t, He just turned the other cheek. I think it’s fair to say that passive resistance was invented by Jesus and not by Gandhi as so many people believe.

Maybe if Gandhi had come up with something new there would be millions of Gandhians roaming the earth wearing loin cloths and what not.

For years after Jesus died, Christians were persecuted by the Romans. Which seems odd. I doubt whether Zeus et al were really that worried about some guys who was basically a hippie.

Another reasons that I think Christianity is so popular is because there’s something for everyone. It’s pretty flexible in terms of rules. For that benefit, we have King Henry VIII to thank. Henry used to be a Roman Catholic.

That’s right readers, Roman Catholic!

After all those years feeding Christians to lions in the name of entertainment, the Romans had a change of heart it seems. Ironically, Roman Catholics make up the largest segment of the Christians.

The Roman Catholics have got some pretty strict rules on how you should be a Christian. But King Henry VIII decided he didn’t fancy playing by the rules. I guess that’s what happens when you’re the King. I mean, you’ve only got to look at what happened to Elvis to see that sometimes a little bit of power is a dangerous thing.

Anyway, Henry wanted to ditch his Spanish wife Catherine of Aragon. But according to the Pope (even to this day this guys basically heads up Catholicism), Henry would not be allowed to do this. Well, this was like a red rag to a bull, it was basically like telling Elvis he couldn’t have any more burgers.

Henry set up the Church of England. This is basically an off-shoot of Catholicism that lets its practitioners pretty much do what they like. Henry even chopped a couple of his wives heads off. Even though Rev Smyth is part of the CofE I doubt he would condone that sort of behaviour.

I like the Christians, they’re friendly, flexible and pretty much keep themselves to themselves. Jesus was famously protective of His Mum, which can only be a good thing. He gave us Christmas, undoubtedly the best of the public holidays, and Easter which not only gets us a Bank Holiday Monday, but also Friday off too. Not to mention the gorgeous chocolate eggs!

I also enjoy the music of The Christians, I’m not talking about all the hymns (although Cat Steven's Morning Has Broken is lovely), I’m talking about the late 1980s Liverpool-based pop band formed by brothers Russell and Garry Christian.

Terry Christian is another famous northerner with the Holy surname.

I’ve not finished my research into religion, but I have to say Christianity is among my favs.

Nice one JC!

Reality cheque

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to face up to his responsibilities. Well, there comes a time in every heterosexual man's life at any rate. The gays seem to get away with a lifetime of parties and promiscuity. Sometimes, I wish I was gay. I have a lot of friends that way inclined and they always seem so happy. I suppose that's why they were dubbed gay.

Sadly, I am one of the many men in this world who is not gay. So I must face up to the reality that my girlfriend will at some stage want to move in and 'settle down'.

Jeesh readers, I hate that expression. 'Settle down'. It's so middle aged, middle class and middle England. I'm so weary of conforming to society's norms. Even though I was a salesman at the time, I went on an anarchist rally a few years ago to protest against capitalism. Those guys seem to have it really nailed.

I've been reluctant to settle down. I love Gill, of course i do. But I look what happened to my dear old Mum when she settled down with Dad. Well, they had me and brought me up in Lincoln, so it wasn't all bad. But after that things went down hill. I love my Mum, and even though I'm not gay, I'm more than willing to express that love in tears. I've not told you about Dad have I? Maybe one day I will.

Maybe if they hadn't settled down then they'd still be together now. It's worth thinking about, as I said to Gill when we were talking about it the other day.

As I explained to her, I'm not interested in playing the field, of course I'm not. I believe in one man one woman - one vision, as it were (Freddy Mercury was gay, too. That's why the band were called Queen! But was he happy? Not if you listen to some of his lyrics. Although that one about the bicycles its pretty chirpy. Great band, though - and not in spite of Freddie being gay, but because of it!). No it's just I like my own space. I don't know, we'll have to talk about it some more.

I was going to see if Amber wanted to come around and watch The Passion by famous anti-semite Mel Gibson as part of my continuing research on religion. I'm not sure Gill would even bother watching such a film, she prefers romcoms. But Blockbusters is barely covering the mortgage, and I can't keep getting Mum to bail me out, she's not the Bank of England and I'm not RBS.

Gill pointed out that her moving in might help ease the burden financially. And I think she has a point. Maybe I should get a lodger. I wonder where Amber lives. We seem to get on really well, and would make great house share buddies. She's probably not even the type who'd worry about the fact there's no lock on the bathroom door.

Maybe I'll drop Mum a line and see what she thinks.

Peace be with you

I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do this religion thing chronologically readers. Now I've started looking into it, I don’t actually know which religions came first. I know, for example, that Christianity, Islam and Judaism are really ancient; they go all the way back to old testament times. But whether or not one came before another I’m not really sure. Even Wikipedia doesn’t seem clear.

So let’s have a look at Islam now, which is a religion that’s been getting a lot of press in recent years, not all of it good. The way it gets portrayed on the news and in television programmes, you might be forgiven for thinking that Islam is an angry religion, concerned mostly with blowing stuff up. But if you’re like me you’ll want to investigate it for yourself first, and not just dismiss it as a lot of bad tempered men from the middle east. Look beneath the surface of most things and you’ll find surprises. Did you know, for example, that there are a lot of Muslims in Africa?

Think of Islam and you might picture the men from America who all wear bow ties and glasses. Or you might think of Abu Hamza, who’s a radical cleric with one eye, a beard and hooks for hands (he sounds more like a pirate than a man of religion! Yaaarrrrrr! I’m Cap’n Hamza and you can walk the plank me hearties!!!! Lol.). Or you might think of Cat Stevens.

Once a great pop star, with a string of hits to his credit, including Matthew and Son, Moon Shadow and Morning has Broken, which is a bit like a hymn, Cat’s not dead, as many people believe. He’s just changed his name because he’s now a Muslim. These days he goes by the name Yusuf Islam. He liked the religion so much, he named himself after it! I guess back in the day he must have really liked his cat, too.

This seems to be one of the central pillars of the Muslim faith; if you want to take it up you have to change your name. Perhaps they do this because they want to deter time wasters, the kind of people who don’t take Islam seriously enough. It’s a bit like those Japanese gangsters – or are they Chinese, I can’t remember – who have to cut off their little finger in order to join the gang. You’ve really got to want to be in that gang, I guess.

Same deal with Islam. Think about it: if I had to change my name, I’d have to tell the bank, my mobile phone carrier, the doctor’s, the dentist, even the vet who looks after my cats, Matthew and Steven. And their surname is the same as mine on the forms, so they’d have to change their name too. Though thinking about it maybe Steven already has muslim tendencies.

Joining Islam is clearly not something to be taken lightly. Some people say: what’s in a name? But it’s part of who you are, you can’t just go around changing it willy nilly. Mind you, there are lots of people who don’t use their real names. I used to work with someone who’s called Joe. But he’s really called Rodney, he just didn’t like the sound of Rodney. Neither, apparently, did UK Hip Hop Gangsta Superstar Roots Manuva, whose real name is also Rodney!

A name change can work, though. I think we’d all agree that a certain legendary pugilist sounds better as Muhammad Ali than he did as Cassius Clay. On the other hand, Cat Stevens is a much better pop singer name than Yusuf Islam. Sorry, Yusuf, but it is. And Rodney Manuva? I don’t think that would be a very good name for rapster, would it!

So before I can decide whether I want to join the Muslims (which can also be spelled ‘Moslems’) I have to decide whether I want to change my name. I wonder what my Mum would say if I went home and told her I’d changed my name to Mr Islam??!!! She’d probably head straight for the sherry! Lol.

Even if I did want to change my name, say to Mohammad like the great Ali, I’d have to figure out how to spell it. There are 14 different variants apparently, and it’s the second most popular boy’s name in Britain, according to The Times Online, the website of the Times newspaper. And given that non-Muslims, or the Infidels, which is their technical term for us lot, generally don’t name their boys Mohammad – however it’s spelled – that means there are lots of Muslims in this country, and we all have to get along together whether we’re infidels or not!

I’m finding this research really helpful in terms of how I see my fellow man. But, back to the matter in hand, or in hook, if you’re reading this Cap’n Hamza!!

Apart from the naming issue, Islam seems to be similar in many ways to Christianity, itself not unlike Voodoo, as we’ve discussed. Muslims believe in God and God had a prophet called, you guessed it: Mohammad. That name has been popular for some time, clearly. They have a holy book called the Koran, which I think might be written backwards, which is unusual and exotic, to say the least!

Islam is closely associated with Arabs and the Middle East, although not all Arabs are Muslim and, as we’ve seen, not all Muslims are Arabs. When I was a nipper in the 1970s, grown ups used to call us kids cheeky little Arabs. But thankfully political correctness has put a stop to that!

One other thing that’s worth noting about Islam is that a lot of Muslims don’t seem overly fond of the Jews. Sadly there are huge tensions in the Middle East, as anyone who watches the news will know only too well. The problem appears to be Jerusalem, which is an important city for Muslims, Christians and Jews, so they’re all a bit territorial. Generally, though, the Christians just seem to get on with things, it’s the Muslims and the Jews that do the scrapping.

“Don’t even go there!” I hear you cry! But we journalists mustn’t shy away from contentious issues, our job is to report the truth, and shed light where once there was darkness.

Here’s another thing about Islam that I personally once found a bit annoying: There are very strict rules about prayers. You have to pray several times a day at specific hours and you have to do it on a mat that’s pointing towards Mecca, which is a holy city in Saudi Arabia, and not the bingo hall in Tooting! So you have to be facing East when you pray over here. Once I had a taxi booked to pick me up from the Airport and he didn’t turn up. When I called later to complain I was told that the driver had to stop on his way to the airport to get out and say his prayers. And that made him really late. Now I’m all for tolerance, I really am, but I booked a taxi. They should have sent an atheist and let the Muslim guy work in the controller’s office on a swivel chair so he could turn to face Mecca at a moment’s notice. Some people just don’t have a problem solving mentality, I guess.

So, I don’t think I’m going to go for Islam. No offence to any Muslims, but I want to keep my name as it is and, while I respect the faith, which is clearly ancient and culturally important, the strict prayer regime wouldn’t fit with my hectic journalistic lifestyle. It’s been great finding out about it, though, and next time I walk by the Mosque, I’ll give them all a wave.

Newsdesk out!

Amazing discovery!!!!

Well, readers, I can’t quite believe what I’ve found. Have you heard of Wikipedia? I’ve just come across it and, my God, it’s got every bit of information you could possibly need to research an article of journalism.

Now, I know as well as any good journalist that a bulging contacts book is everything. And, clearly, compiling just such a book is right up there on my to-do list. But that takes time, and time and tide wait for no hack. So in the meanwhile, I’m going to spend a few hours each day on Wikipedia getting facts about things I want to write stories about.

For instance, this morning I’ve been researching for an article about dog theft. Mrs Bradley, my neighbour, had her dog stolen. It was a Bernese Mountain Dog. According to Wikipedia, it turns out that both the St Bernard and the Rottweiler are descended from this dog. Well the same breed, not Mrs Bradley’s dog Raffles obviously.

It’s especially useful in my ongoing attempts to discover whether or not I believe in God. I hadn’t realised quite what I was taking on here. I mean, it could take weeks to come to a conclusion on this. As regular readers will know, I am a practising Buddhist. But am I an agnostic Buddhist, an atheist Buddhist, a monotheist Buddhist, pantheist Buddhist, Hindu Buddhist, Muslim Buddhist, or like a lot of people I know a Christian Buddhist? And if I’m Christian Buddhist, for example, am I Baptist Christian Buddhist? And if I am, am I new Baptist or old? Phew!

Anyway, I’m going to read all about them on my new favourite website: Wikipedia!

But please don’t go shouting about this site to everyone, KK? I’m trying to ‘steal a march’ on other aspiring journalists, apart from Notts County's Gav Strachan, of course, and I need you to keep this to yourself.

Peace be upon you (that’s what I’ll be saying if I decide I’m a Muslim!!!).

Blue Monday

I was watching Sian and Bill this morning on the BBC and they said that today is officially the most depressing day of the year. It's all to do with the lack of sunlight, the atrocious weather, the anti-climax following the festive season, the fact that your first wage packet has yet to land and the first bills have already arrived coupled with the knowledge that the rest of the year stretches before you like a vast unclimbable mountain of doom.

Although, the 'research' to back this up claim was funded by a travel agent and promoted by a PR agency. So its scientific validity is somewhat dubious.

Still, I really do think today could be the most depressing of the year. I went down to the station to pick up a copy of Metro. I ran (well, walked quickly at least) all the way home IN THE RAIN, made myself a cup of tea and scanned the rag from cover to cover looking for my research article.

Research, I might add, that was funded by genuine editorial curiosity and not by a travel firm trying to encourage people to book environment damaging flights!!!!!!!

It was nowhere to be seem. Last week's news of the Christian bus driver refusing to do his job because the adverts carried by his bus ran contrary to his opinions was a weighty issue, making headlines on the nationals. My research helped paint a fuller picture of the nation's wavering feelings of apathy towards religion. This week that story has been consigned to the dustbin of history.

Maybe I should have been a little bit more targeted in my approach, maybe I should have bought myself a travel card and rode the buses asking passengers and drivers alike.

Today's news really is tomorrow's chip paper. It is an invaluable lesson for any would-be Citizen Journalist.

Redundancy

Today, after yesterday's decision to take the plunge into the world of journalism, I went into the world seeking inspiration.

I left my flat and turned right onto my road. I'd dressed appropriately, not just for the time of the year, but also for my chosen career path. This is the sort of thing I would have worn on a dress down Friday. Although, coincidentally, it was Friday anyway. But this would be my new apparel irrespective of the weekday in question. Unless I had an important meeting.

Smart casual, with serious leanings toward the latter. Converse sneakers, faded jeans, a plaid lemon shirt, underneath the grey jumper my Mum gave me for Christmas. She's always had such excellent taste.

I went into Specsavers and spent £300 of my redundancy package on clear glass spectacles with thick black frames.

Already feeling good I went into WH Smith and bought a new pen and 'reporters' pad - 100% recycled paper, made from post-consumer waste.

I looked the part.

All needed now was news.

I sat on a bench outside what was Woolworths on the high street. Not much happened for an hour or so, a woman sat next to me for ten minutes until her bus arrived. She was youngish, wearing a work uniform. Observation is key in journalism.

Some time after, a man arrived and started unlocking the metal mesh protective window protector of Woolworths. He would not be drawn on the issues that surround the collapse of the high street store.

The weather was inclement, although not any worse than it was yesterday.

For lunch I had McDonalds. I found a copy of Metro and read it from cover to cover seeking inspiration and stumbled across a story about a bus driver who refused to drive his bus because it carried an atheist slogan.

It got me thinking. Would God be angry that the bus driver had failed to turn the other cheek? Would God be angry with himself, or herself, for failing to turn the other cheek?

Religion is a contentious issue. Perfect for Citizan Journalists.

I thought this would make an interesting article for the readers of the Metro. So I carried out a poll on the highstreet. I simply asked the two questions I had posed myself earlier: Would God be angry that the bus driver had failed to turn the other cheek? Would God be angry with himself, or herself, for failing to turn the other cheek?

I asked 30 people. 4 people completely ignored me, 1 person was verbally abusive, 12 people said they didn't know, 2 people said yes and 11 said probably not.

I sent my findings to the editor at mail@ukmetro.co.uk.

I had spent about two hours on the project (10 minutes background reading, 10 minutes considering the issues, 1 hour 30 mins collecting data and 10 minutes writing up the findings). I thought I would bill for the UK minimum wage allowance of £5.73 per hour. This seemed fair considering my inexperience.

I await a response.