Thursday, April 28, 2011

Mum's the word

Dear Barry’s friends

It’s Barry’s Mum here. Barry asked me to pass on a message. I’m not very good with computers, so you’ll have to bear with me.

When Barry told me that he was becoming a citizen journalist, I just thought it was another one of his silly projects. Like the time he declared that he was a magician and started calling me the lovely Debbie McGee instead of Mum.

Now I’ve spent some time reading his articles I have to same I am little bit amazed. He seems to have built up quite a following. I’m afraid to say though that a great deal of Barry’s musings amount to little more than a web of lies.

The truth of the matter is Barry has been a very naughty boy. Roger and I are still very happy together and living in Lincoln. It is true that Roger and Barry never really saw eye-to-eye. I found that deeply upsetting of course, for all his faults Barry was my son and I never stopped loving him.

He finally overstepped the mark when Roger and I sealed the knot. It is true that Barry was in cahoots with Roger’s son Gary, after that though Barry’s version of events differs wildly from the truth. Together they managed to swindle my mother-in-law out of her cottage in the country and then set about on a spending spree. In fairness to Barry, Gary was the brains of the operation.

When the money from the cottage ran out they started racking up monumental credit card bills and taking out substantial personal loans. The debts mounted until the cracks in their life began to widen. Gary disappeared off to Brazil leaving Barry to pick up the pieces of their folly. He was unable to pick up the pieces and was finally caught walking up the hard shoulder of southbound carriageway of the M1 in his socks and pants.

Roger and I decided not to press charges, but we did insist on some fairly strict curfew conditions. One of which was a prohibition regarding talking about the case or other matters – specifically in the public domain. I think Roger was more embarrassed about the whole sorry episode than I.

Barry has spent a good part of the last year working as a griddle cook in a Little Chef on the A52. I had confiscated his computer but it seems he somehow managed to get hold of one and concoct the ludicrous scenario placing him at the centre of an international crime organisation. He would probably have continued making up nonsense too were it not for letter I accidentally opened from Blue Nun inviting him to a meeting at their head offices. Apparently they were "really excited by the blog". It didn't take Roger long to put two and two together.

We confronted Barry and then decided that for his own good as well as our own good, he should feel the full power of the law. Barry is now serving time in Lincoln Prison I’m afraid.

He's doing very well. As part of his rehabilitation Barry asked me to “come clean” on the blog. I have promised Barry that I will pass on any messages from his followers and that I will maintain the blog with a few posts of my own.

I do hope that this news doesn’t overshadow William and Kate’s big day tomorrow.

Best regards

Mum

x

ps. the headline was Barry's idea. I have to say it is quite clever really. I only wish he's been able to channel his creativity into something useful.

6 comments:

  1. I miss Barry. Literature misses Barry.

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  2. Hi Barry’s Mum,
    How good it is to get the chance to speak to you at last. We all seem to know so much about you from reading Barry’s blogs – but now that you have dropped this bombshell on us that your son was possibly veering from the path of truth for much of the time it leaves us all in a rather disturbing limbo between fact and fiction. This is so hard to accept – he seemed so believable – and his many international adventures so plausible! How were we to know he was living in this sel-created fantasy world? Where were the clues? Mrs Newsdesk – I’m not ashamed to admit that I am crushed.
    Thank goodness you have seen fit to put the truth out into the public domain – and how apposite that you should use your wayward son’s blog as the tool of justice. Shadenfreude in action!
    I’m sorry, of course, that the lad is banged up at Her Majesty’s pleasure for the foreseeable future – but let’s be honest – if what you are telling us is true it’s no more than he deserves.
    At least the blog is in a safe pair of hands (between you and me, your spelling is so much better than Barry’s and you don’t seem to need to stoop to his rather too frequent use of bad language for a cheap laugh) and I’m sure too I speak for most of your lad’s many followers when I say that I am SO looking forward to further musings from your good self.
    Next visiting day, please give Barry our best wishes and tell him that we will all probably find it in ourselves to forgive him – as I am sure you and Roger will eventually do too – once sufficient time has lapsed and blurred the sharp edges of his disgraceful behaviour towards such an obviously fine woman as yourself.
    Best wishes
    MrC

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  3. stuck in Trinidad with Jack Warner and nothing to read to lift my spirits. Can you imagine what is like having you country run like FIFA!

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  4. Geepers! Thanks for letting us know ~ Eddie

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