How to get ahead in advertising

Both my Mum, whom I love dearly despite her recent behaviour, and Gill told me that Citizen Journalism would amount to nothing more than a waste of time.

WRONG!!!

Not only have I made some very intereting discoveries and not only have I made some excellent acquaintanses (my good friend Mess tracked me down on Facebook!! SO he joins Jennifer Shannon Walker as a Facebook and blogspot friend - Mess is also following me on Twitter, which makes him, quite possibly, my number one fan...!).

Still, both Mum and Gill might well point to these benefits as merely ornamental. Like the people who invented Twitter, I have yet to find a way of 'monetising' Barry Newsdesk. Monetise is an ugly word readers, but it's just the sort of word that Web 2.0 gurus bandy about in board rooms up and down the country. It means, to make money from.

But that was then, and this is now. Barry Newsdesk is now so popular that it has attracted the attention of a potential advertiser. That's right, someone wants to place their brand name on my site in return for hard cash.

It's a time honoured business model. ITV has been doing it for years.

I received this email just three days ago:

alyssa@wutravel.com to me show details Apr 17 (3 days ago) Hi, We are interested to place our ads on your site. If interested, please email me. We, WuTravel.com, are a start up travel site in Singapore. Best Regards, Alyssa

This presents me with a dilemma readers. Part of my conscience says I should remain pure to my Citizen Journalism, like the BBC, and refuse to take sponsorship. While another part of my conscience, the part that pays the utilitiy bills and the part that wants to be able to afford a BMW and take Amber on exotic holidays, says I should bite the bullet and accept and sell out!!!

I figured I'd better ask Alyssa for more information regarding the potential sponsorship deal....

Here's what I said:

Dear Alyssa

Thank you for your email showing an interest in the Barry Newsdesk brand. I would love to find out more about the sort of sponsorship deal you had in mind. How much are you willing to give me, and what would you expect in return.

Yours fairthfully Barry

Back in the saddle

As Ronan Keating of Boyzone fame so famously opined, life is a roller-coaster. I think my life would be the Corkscrew from Alton Towers. There aren't just ups and downs, there are loop-di-loops too.

I met up with my old friend Dave, the roofer, yesterday to watch his beloved Chelsea beat Arsenal in the FA Cup semi-final. I know my excellent follower Mess is also a fan of the Blues and it was partly down to his Tweets of advice that I came to reasses my freidnship with Dave - I've said a few negative things about Chelsea recently, but I'm a slave to my emotions. Thankfully, both Dave and Mess understand me, probably a little bit better than I understand myself.

Mind you, Dave said a few more things about Gill that I'd rather have not heard. But that's all water all the bridge as far as I'm concerned. I definitely didn't want to see the pictures of her on his phone, but we're all adults here and besides it was important to bond again with Dave, man to man, as it were.

For a man of limited formal education, Dave certainly knows a thing or two about life and the fairer sex. Dave suggested that the best thing for me to do now was get back out there. "There's noffin like it Bawrry. When you fall off yer bike, you back on dontcha?!" he said.

Indeed, Dave's views on life are also shared by the excellent blogger Cowboy Bob who says, if you fall off your horse, you need to get right back in the saddle.

Dave reckons Amber needs to see that I'm desirable to other women before she'd consider my advances further, "if they can smell desperation, they'll run a mile," Dave told me. And there's an element of truth in that statement. I think I was too keen with Amber, I laid my cards on the table, and that's not what women want. Sure they want to be pursued, showered with gifts, such as flower and chocolates, and sports cars and diamond rings, but they're complicated creatures. There's more to cracking a woman's heart than material possessions.

I know it's not very PC to say so readers, but it's simple biology. It's all about the survival of the fittest. If a woman thinks she's the fittest, she feels 'special'. And how does she feel fittest? Simple, she collars another woman's man.

With that in mind, I've decided to sign up to get some Internet Love. There are plenty of sites out there. A little bit of something for everyone. I carried out an extensive Internet search. Do you know, if I wanted to, I could order a wife from Russia or Thailand today. It really is as easy as that, but you can't be sure that what you see in the pictures is what you'll end up with in the flesh. And, anyway, they're only after getting their hands on a British passport.

I sent my details into a popular broadsheet's online dating service. Obviously, I've been a little bit creative with the details. But essentially what I've said is true. Here's my online dating persona:

Name: Barry
Occupation: Home entertainment executive/Writer
Contact: Barry.Newsdesk@googlemail.com
Twitter: @barrynewsdesk
Description: Tall, witty, handsome, charming, romeo with own flat in South London.
Likes: Politics, music, poetry, cookery, travelling, long walks in the country and even longer nights in front of the fire!
Dislikes: Whinging and nagging.
Looking for: Friendship and possibly more ;-)
Would like to meet: Athletic, bohemian, creative, lady, under 30 pref, send picture.

I think it's only fair to request a picture, I know what I'll get is likely to be a be a fairly complimentary number, but it should at least let me filter out the howlers.

It goes witout saying readers, if you know any single chicks looking for a bright guy who knows how to show a girl a good time point them in my direction.

Newsdesk out.
x

Karma down, karma down

Life is all about learning lessons. Unless you’re a teacher, of course, in which case it’s about giving lessons. But even when you’re giving a lesson, you can be learning. Unless you’re my old games teacher Mr 'Wilkins',who certainly didn’t learn his lesson and was eventually reported to the police for indecent exposure.

I think it is fair to say that I got a little bit over-refreshed yesterday. Well, actually, I got as over-refreshed as a newt. It’s all part of the healing process though. I was tired and emotional and I said I few things I’ve come to regret.

But the only things we truly regret are the things we never did, right? It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

When Liverpool scored their second goal last night, I sent Dave, the roofer, a few choice words via the medium of SMS. Then, as though Buddha himself was looking down on me with his karmic telescope up popped Didier Drogba to score and then that Brazilian bloke Alex scored a belter of a freekick, then Frank ‘lamps’ Lampard put the blues 3-2 up.

Even if you hate Chelsea, you’ve got to take your hat off to big Frank Lampard, whose goal celebration, which is no way a complete rip off of Kaka, of pointing up to the heavens, where presumably he believes his dear old Mum Pat, what went to every game, is looking down with pride, brings a tear to the heart every time.

It was a turning point in the game and it was a turning point in my life. I was distraught at first, that Liverpool should snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, but then I thought to myself ‘no Barry, this is a sign, it was meant to be.’ I texted Dave again to say that I was sorry, that maybe we could let bygones be bygones, it takes a big man to realise he was wrong and even bigger man to do something about it.

Then, unbelievably, Liverpool scored not once, but twice more!!! I have to admit that even though I’d said that I was sorry to Dave, I still wanted Liverpool to knock Chelsea out, and I said as much to Dave in another text.

But then Big Frank Lampard curled in another to seal the tie. Karmic justice was done.

I shouldn’t have hated Dave for sleeping with Gill. All is fair in love and war. Hate is such a strong word and I was duly punished.

Karma is a strange thing readers, Glen Hoddle lost his job as England manager because he said he thought people with disabilities in this life were being punished for misdemeanours in a past life. It’s the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough tragedy today, in which 96 Liverpool fans tragically lost their lives. Maybe Glen Hoddle thought that was karmic justice in action for the 39 Italian lives that were lost when Liverpool fans ran amok at the European Cup final in 1984.

Dave texted me back after the game and called me a 'silly c*nt'. Maybe he’s right.

Come on Liverpool

I've had a few cans of Cobra today readers I got up late and with a handover and that, but I've had a dfew more and a few chooce words on the phone with gill and I I'll tell you what I dont reaaly care what you think right now, I'm not taking it

as regular readers will know I'vem a Notts forest fam , bnit tonight I'm going to be supporting a dfiffering tesm that plat sin red!!

Not News desk united,. I'm going to eb suportuing LIVERPOOOL - COME ON YOU REDS!!!

Note becasue I admire the club's rich European heritage and not becasue I admire their never say die attitude and not becasue the fans anthem You'll Never Walk Aline never fails to bring a lump to my throat,

I'm supportiung Liverpool tonight bcasue I fucking hate Chelsea. I hate their money and their fakery and Didier Drogba diving all over the place, but miost of all I hat their fans

especaily their fans called Dave. And especially the Daves that earn their livung by fleecing old ladies out of their life savings by scaring them half to death that their rooves need re-tiling, and off those roofing Daves, the ones I hate are the ones that sleep with their friend's ex-girlfriends' called Gill

So, for all your Chelsea-loving Judas scumbag Daves out there, COME ON YOU REDS!!! COME ON YOU REDS!!! COME ON YOU REDS!!!!

now then, I think it's time for another Cobra before the game kicks off

Cancelled

I'm really sorry to disappoint you all. Today was suppposed to be the day of the Big 1K Party. My proudest moment in blogging. As I type these words though salty tears are dripping upon the keyboard, I haven't had a wink of sleep all night.

It's doubly disasterous, as today I have a new follower too, Mandy. She's my 13th. Unlucky for some eh. Sorry, Mandy, I'll give you a proper welcome when I'm feeling more cheerful.

I was feeling jubilent when I went to meet Dave yesterday, then he gave me the news.

"Awlright Bawwry," he said, "you never guess who I bumped into the ovver day?"

I said "who?". He didn't tell me straight away, Dave always makes you spend a few minutes trying to guess, it's always futile, although I did guess it right once, when he's met Ashley Cole in Crazy Larry's.

After a few minutes of guessing, he put put me out my misery. Although, ironically he put me deeper into misery than ever before, "Gill," he said, "Gill? What my Gill?"
"Only she's not your Gill is she Barwrry?" he said with a wink.

Dave, my so called friend, then went on to tell me in tawdry detail of his night with Gill. I was agog.

How could he does this to me? My friend, Dave the roofer!!?

I had to make my excuses and leave, I was feeling sick. I would have punched him too, but I'm a pacifist.

I left the pub and picked up eight cans of Cobra and some Monster Munch for the party today, but I can't go through with it readers, so particular appologies to Mess and Mr Coleman and I know you guys were looking forward to it, but I'm sure you understand?

I texted Amber when I got back, but she didn't respond.

Think I might see if Mum wants to come down from Lincoln later.

:-(

The Last Supper

Happy Easter EVERYBODY!!!! And that goes not only to the Christians, but also the Jews, Muslims, Scientologists, Astrologists and Witch Doctors out there.

As regular readers out there will know, not only am I a practising buddhist, I'm also deeply spiritual in a number of other ways. This all stems back to a time when I ask myself and the blogosphere in general, whether there really is a God.

So I'll say it again, Happy Easter EVERYONE.

Easter hasn't always been about seeing how many chocolate eggs you can stuff down in a day, it's commemorating the day that Jesus Christ was reincarnated, much to the dismay of the Romans. This is almost certainly the root cause of all that Catholic Guilt.

Today is also a great day in the history of Barry Newsdesk. Because, thanks to the additional of my excellent new French friend Mess, I now have a whopping 12 followers. Much like Jesus did.

Following on from yesterday's post about the formation of Newsdesk United. I thought, in honour of it being Easter, I would asign my followers Apostlistical names. I had a pretty good idea who would be Judas Iscariot, but then I thought better of it. It would be what religious people call blasphemous. Which is basically just another way of saying I'd be taking the piss.

Yesterday, I posted a picture of Brian Clough whom many Notts Forest fans believed to be God, and today I've got a picture of Brian Cohen played by Graham Chapman in the classic 1979 film, The Life of Brian. In which he is mistaken for the messiah.

When the film was released it caused uproar among the religious community, who deemed its content blasphemous. There it is again. They were basically saying that John Cleese, Michael Palin and the gang were taking the piss out of religious bigotry and Christian hypocrisy.

And, in many ways, there were. But because those chaps all went to Cambridge University, they were able to argue that actually it was satire.

Satire is what Jewish comedian Sacha Baron Cohen calls his interpretation of that Kazakhstanian character Borat. But really, he's just taking the piss

You see readers, it's a minfield out there.

Anyway, I'm off down the pub to meet Dave, he reckons he's got some news for me!

See you all at tomorrow's paaaaaaaaaaaaarty!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't forget, tell a friend and bring a bottle!
peace out.bazz :-)

Newsdesk United

I've been up all night celebrating as though I'd won the European Cup itself. I was celebrating because I've gained another follower: Tiffany Amber. How cool is that?

Don't get too excited though readers, she's not the same Amber I work with at Blockbusters. Tiffany Amber is a mother of four and writes a delightful blog called Living in the Stream. It's all about life, love and everything that's good in the world, I urge you to check it out. She's got four followers (including yours truly now!!!).

Welcome aboard Tiffany Amber, I hope you'll be coming to the Big 1K Party on Monday? Feel free to bring the kids. I'll back sure there's no foul language.

The best part about TA's arrival is that it brings the number of Barry Newsdesk followers to 11, this has enabled me to create Newsdesk United.

I'll be the manager, natch, and I have modeled my style on the iconic Notts Forest gaffer, Brian 'ol big 'ead' Clough. I speak my mind and don't suffer fools gladly. Clough is currently the subject of a film called The Damned Utd. It's a tissue of lies his family says and paints a picture of a dark autocrat with a penchant for the booze. Suffice to say, I will not be going to see it. Not least because it's got that bloke in it that plays loads of famous people but always sounds like he's doing Tony Blair doing an impression of other people.

So doubtless you'll all be wanting to know where you're going to play. The good news, in a way, is that the squad of Newsdesk Utd lacks strength in depth. So everyone gets a game.

In goal I will put Steve. It's often said thatyou've got to be a bit mad to play keep the nets, and you've only got to spend a few minutes reading Steve's excellent blog to realise that he's a crazy cat.

I'll put my second latest follower, The Finisher, at left back. Some people might argue that he should be left back in the changing room. But not me, that's all water under the bridge. Besides, one of the greats of the game, Stuart 'psycho' Pearce made that position his own with Notts Forest and if the Finisher's tackling is as fearce as his pedantry we'll have nothing to worry about.

On the other flank I reckon I'll put Karen Snyder, being American and a lady I've put her in arguably the easiest position on the pitch. It's not patronising, it just maks sense in footballing sense, as it were.

At the heart of defence will be my excellent Irishpolishman Merek Lenarcik, he looks a Larry Lloyd type. It's probably all the Guinness and perogies. Alongside Merek will be his compatriot Mark Stanley. You need that kind of understanding between your centre halves. They could even talk to each other in Irish to confuse the opposting centre forward. Unless the opposing centre forward is Irish. Or speaks Irish.

In the centre of the park, holding things together, is team captain Mr Coleman. Having read his regular words of wisdom in the comments sections of this blog he's the obvious choice for captain marvel. A real Roy Keane I reckon. I'll pair Mr Coleman up with the creative playmaker Donnac1968. Her equisite knitting skills are indicative of a great imagination.

On the left wing will be Cathy, she works in PR so is bound to be a slippery customer. I'll pop Jennifer Shannon Walker, my excellent Californian follower on the right wing so that she can form a strong overlapping partnership with right back (and also American) Karen Snyder.

The front line will be made up of Molly and Tiffany Amber, both girls are great at going forward, in and around the box...;-))

I've edited together a team on Pro Evo and I'm looking forward to a few games later.

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!