It's a funny old game

Apologies in advance Tennyson, I'm going to spend a fair bit of today's post talking about a soccerball match. I do feel a tad guilty, I know you don't much care for Association Rules Football, and you left such an AWESOME comment after last night's last post. But hey, you can't please all of the people all of the time, so I might as well please myself. As it were.

I was planning to give you a write up about last night's adventure, but my memory of the actual events is a little bit hazy, and one or two things happened that I'd rather not go into directly. Fortunately, I've just watched a footy match on TV that could easily serve as an analogy for my experience at last night's Halloween party with Dan, which in turn could end up serving as an analogy for my life.

I woke up this morning feeling dreadful. I had a stinking hangover and my body ached all over. I felt like curling up into a ball and crying. The only thing that I had to look forward to all day was watching my beloved Notts Forest on the box. I know all you non-footy lovers out there will think that there's too much soccer on TV. And, in a way, you'd be right. But it is a rare day indeed that I get to see Forest from the comfort of my sofa. It usually happens just about twice a year, much like something else highly pleasurable that seems to happen to me with the frequency of an equinox.

Forest were playing away from home and had travelled to play the much fancied Cardiff City. A team going through some sort of renaissance at the moment, after years feeling sorry for its self, out in the winderness, they could once again become a force to be reckoned with, a good deal of investment has been made in the club and it seems to be going from strength to strength.

All the talk before the game was about how impressive Cardiff are, leaving Forest as an admired but unfancied underdog whose past glories are but a distant memory. The game started at quite a pace, the wet conditions adding to the zip of the ball. For all the pre-game chatter, Forest were holding the ball up well, they seemed to command the lion's share of possession. It was, however, Cardiff who looked the more likely to score. They looked powerful up front, they knew where the goal was. Forest were tight at the back, but lacked any kind of penetration.

At the midway stage, it was honours even. Neither side had scored. The pundits' view was that Forest had played the better game. They were unlucky not to have been awarded a penalty kick, sometimes when you're playing away from home, you don't get those close decisions.

The second half continued in much the same vein. The visitors were clearly on top. For some reason though, the Forest management decided that they needed to up the ante. They were on top and now it was time to go for the kill. Up until this point they'd been playing with an additional man in the middle, bossing the centre of the park. The manager withdrew the tricky attacking midfielder and brought on menacing target man.

With more space created in the middle of the park, it was Cardiff and not Forest who seized the advantage. Sweeping up field majestically the forwards combined to score a classic goal on the counter attack.

Cardiff were full of pomp, the home crowd in lusty voice were singing them on. They were ahead by a goal and threatening to score more with heir tails well and truly up. But Forest did not capitulate, true there were a couple of shaky moments, but the man in charge altered the tactics accordingly. They got back to doing what they do well. They were knocking it about, tidy little interchanges. It was impressive stuff, but they could well have been just flattering to deceive.

Then it happened. All good things come to he who waits. A fresh pair of legs came on up front, the ball bounced in front of the home team's goal, there was a fortunate bobble and handy deflection, and the visitors struck. That's all it took. It was half a chance really, in the dying seconds of the game. We'd already player over the allotted time and were running on pure fumes. GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Newsdesk, you beauty, I didn't need asking twice I can tell you that for nothing. There were a tense few moments before the final whistle, but I hung on, like Forest, and secured the result. I went home happy. I would have taken that result before the game. But in the cold light of day, when we look at the league table, Dan is still riding high, heading for automatic promotion. All I can realistically hope for is a place in the play-offs.

I have no idea what her name was, but I do remember her telling me that, anatomically, a woman's mouth is identical to a man's.

It's a funny old game.

Right, I've got to go now and watch the X-Factor results. Now my sweepstake band Miss Frank have left the competition. I have decided to support John & Edward. I feel they're the only act that I can empathize with.

Laters potaters!

Barry (the fox in the box) Newsdesk

Quarantine

Now I know how the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay must feel. I've been locked up at home all week with this Swine Flu and still no sign of any Tamiflu. I feel absolutely fine, but Dan is most insistent that I don't go into work. He reckons I might be a carrier but not an incubator.

I called Mum to see if she'd come down and help me out but she said she can't risk catching Swine Flu because bloody Roger's got a 'medical condition' and can't risk picking up infections.

Jesus. A medical condition! I'm the one on death's door. I'm her only son and I could drop down dead at almost any minute from Swine Flu. I had to order up a curry from the Taj Mahal and get Rajindar to nip to the shop and buy me a pint of milk. He was really good about it and when I said I had Swine Flu he even made a joke about not eating bacon.

He's not a muslim though, he's actually a sikh and as far as I'm aware they're allowed to eat bacon. With the exception of Buddhism I've not really covered the eastern religions. I thought the next time I order up a ruby and I've not got Swine Flu, I'll invite Raj in and get the skinny. Mind you he's from Thornton Heath anyway, so he probably doesn't know himself, he doesn't bother with the turban. Which as far as I was aware was pretty much the whole gig.


I've not really been able to get up to much readers, completed a couple more seasons on PES. As a Notts Forest fan I have been much alarmed by developments at Meadow Lane and them landing Sven. What do you make of that Mr Coleman, you're up in Nottingham, I bet the ladies are excited about the arrival of such a famed lover! Mind you, with the legendary ratio of six ladies for every man, even Sven's got his work cut out.

I'm not sure whether he'll be able to take County up to the premiership, really, I'm not just saying this because I'm a Notts Forest fan either. But County are shite. They're so shite that us Notts Forest fans would rather hate Derby County (and Leicester City) before even bothering to hate County.

For anyone out there who doesn't know who Notts County are, shame on you. They're the oldest football club in the league. I wonder who they played when they formed? Maybe they just had inter-club competitions until Forest established themselves a few years later. I guess we'll never know.

I did actually find out something completely amazing as well while surfing on Wikipedia. Shane Meadows is from Uttoxeter and didn't move to Nottingham until he was 20. He's supposedly a Notts County fan, but being from Uttoxeter he'd be much more likely to be a Stoke City or worse still Derby effing County. I reckons he claims to be a Notts County fan because they play at a ground called Meadow Lane in an area of Nottingham called the Meadows. Being an artistic type he's liable to be quite egotistical and simply likes them because they share his name.

I used to feel a strange affinity with Barry from Eastenders for much the same reasons. I won't lie to you, I am a little bit egotistical. You probably can't tell because I'm such a talented wordsmith I can disguise the narcissism quite well.

Anyway, I wonder which (if any) Shane Meadows films Sven has seen and whether he intend to watch any. He might like to start with This Is England. It might bring back some fond memories of the time he steered the nation to three consecutive quarter finals. I should think the site of all the St George cross flags will bring a some lump to he throat.

I'm rambling a bit today, I guess that could be the Swine Flu making me delirious. I might give Raj a call and get him to bring me some Cobra.

Speaking of which, I fired an email off to the marketing manager at my fav beer to see if he'd be interested in sponsoring the blog.

Fingers crossed.

Word
x

Unlucky for some

It seems as though my follower outreach has paid off. After Lolren joined the fold, I have my 13th follower. The rather excellent Comedy Plus.

It's an hilariously funny blog, dedicated to gags galore. I was going to go out into town today for an interview for a new job, but I got into reading the funnies on Comedy Plus and I totally lost track of time. I missed my interview slot completely. You've gotta laugh though, right? That's what life's all about.

At the time of writing Comedy Plus has got a majestic 193 followers, proving that I'm not alone when it comes to seeking a good giggle.

It was my 13th follower, but I didn't heed the warning. After predicting a Man Utd 3-2 Barcelona result, I went to Ladbrokes and placed a £50 bet, I was left licking my wounds after only ten minutes when Eto'o poked in Barcelona's first. Betting really is a mug's game.

Incidentally, can anyone out there tell me why Eto'o celebrated by trying to summon up a vain on his forearm in the manner of a smackhead? Was he trying to say scoring a goal is as good as mainlining heroin? Because if he was, that's not a message I condone. That said, I've never injected drugs and I've never scored a goal in the Champions League final.

Although, my Pro Evolution Soccer team Notts Forest have won the Master League and WEFA Championship a fair few times and sometimes I've even played after a little bit of the old whacky-backy. But, kids, I'm a lot slower at the game after a few smokes. They don't call it dope for nuffin'. Ya dig?!

After I got over the shock of losing £50 within ten minutes of the start of the game I just settled down into a few cans of Cobra and resigned myself to the loss. I did cheer up when Messi scored because it reminded me of my excellent Chelsea supporting French homeboy Mess.

I realised that Bill Shankly was wrong when he said football is more important than life or death. If you've got friends you can trust, football really is just a game.

I'm starting to well-up readers.

Love you all.

Barry
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Newsdesk United

I've been up all night celebrating as though I'd won the European Cup itself. I was celebrating because I've gained another follower: Tiffany Amber. How cool is that?

Don't get too excited though readers, she's not the same Amber I work with at Blockbusters. Tiffany Amber is a mother of four and writes a delightful blog called Living in the Stream. It's all about life, love and everything that's good in the world, I urge you to check it out. She's got four followers (including yours truly now!!!).

Welcome aboard Tiffany Amber, I hope you'll be coming to the Big 1K Party on Monday? Feel free to bring the kids. I'll back sure there's no foul language.

The best part about TA's arrival is that it brings the number of Barry Newsdesk followers to 11, this has enabled me to create Newsdesk United.

I'll be the manager, natch, and I have modeled my style on the iconic Notts Forest gaffer, Brian 'ol big 'ead' Clough. I speak my mind and don't suffer fools gladly. Clough is currently the subject of a film called The Damned Utd. It's a tissue of lies his family says and paints a picture of a dark autocrat with a penchant for the booze. Suffice to say, I will not be going to see it. Not least because it's got that bloke in it that plays loads of famous people but always sounds like he's doing Tony Blair doing an impression of other people.

So doubtless you'll all be wanting to know where you're going to play. The good news, in a way, is that the squad of Newsdesk Utd lacks strength in depth. So everyone gets a game.

In goal I will put Steve. It's often said thatyou've got to be a bit mad to play keep the nets, and you've only got to spend a few minutes reading Steve's excellent blog to realise that he's a crazy cat.

I'll put my second latest follower, The Finisher, at left back. Some people might argue that he should be left back in the changing room. But not me, that's all water under the bridge. Besides, one of the greats of the game, Stuart 'psycho' Pearce made that position his own with Notts Forest and if the Finisher's tackling is as fearce as his pedantry we'll have nothing to worry about.

On the other flank I reckon I'll put Karen Snyder, being American and a lady I've put her in arguably the easiest position on the pitch. It's not patronising, it just maks sense in footballing sense, as it were.

At the heart of defence will be my excellent Irishpolishman Merek Lenarcik, he looks a Larry Lloyd type. It's probably all the Guinness and perogies. Alongside Merek will be his compatriot Mark Stanley. You need that kind of understanding between your centre halves. They could even talk to each other in Irish to confuse the opposting centre forward. Unless the opposing centre forward is Irish. Or speaks Irish.

In the centre of the park, holding things together, is team captain Mr Coleman. Having read his regular words of wisdom in the comments sections of this blog he's the obvious choice for captain marvel. A real Roy Keane I reckon. I'll pair Mr Coleman up with the creative playmaker Donnac1968. Her equisite knitting skills are indicative of a great imagination.

On the left wing will be Cathy, she works in PR so is bound to be a slippery customer. I'll pop Jennifer Shannon Walker, my excellent Californian follower on the right wing so that she can form a strong overlapping partnership with right back (and also American) Karen Snyder.

The front line will be made up of Molly and Tiffany Amber, both girls are great at going forward, in and around the box...;-))

I've edited together a team on Pro Evo and I'm looking forward to a few games later.

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!