Quarantine

Now I know how the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay must feel. I've been locked up at home all week with this Swine Flu and still no sign of any Tamiflu. I feel absolutely fine, but Dan is most insistent that I don't go into work. He reckons I might be a carrier but not an incubator.

I called Mum to see if she'd come down and help me out but she said she can't risk catching Swine Flu because bloody Roger's got a 'medical condition' and can't risk picking up infections.

Jesus. A medical condition! I'm the one on death's door. I'm her only son and I could drop down dead at almost any minute from Swine Flu. I had to order up a curry from the Taj Mahal and get Rajindar to nip to the shop and buy me a pint of milk. He was really good about it and when I said I had Swine Flu he even made a joke about not eating bacon.

He's not a muslim though, he's actually a sikh and as far as I'm aware they're allowed to eat bacon. With the exception of Buddhism I've not really covered the eastern religions. I thought the next time I order up a ruby and I've not got Swine Flu, I'll invite Raj in and get the skinny. Mind you he's from Thornton Heath anyway, so he probably doesn't know himself, he doesn't bother with the turban. Which as far as I was aware was pretty much the whole gig.


I've not really been able to get up to much readers, completed a couple more seasons on PES. As a Notts Forest fan I have been much alarmed by developments at Meadow Lane and them landing Sven. What do you make of that Mr Coleman, you're up in Nottingham, I bet the ladies are excited about the arrival of such a famed lover! Mind you, with the legendary ratio of six ladies for every man, even Sven's got his work cut out.

I'm not sure whether he'll be able to take County up to the premiership, really, I'm not just saying this because I'm a Notts Forest fan either. But County are shite. They're so shite that us Notts Forest fans would rather hate Derby County (and Leicester City) before even bothering to hate County.

For anyone out there who doesn't know who Notts County are, shame on you. They're the oldest football club in the league. I wonder who they played when they formed? Maybe they just had inter-club competitions until Forest established themselves a few years later. I guess we'll never know.

I did actually find out something completely amazing as well while surfing on Wikipedia. Shane Meadows is from Uttoxeter and didn't move to Nottingham until he was 20. He's supposedly a Notts County fan, but being from Uttoxeter he'd be much more likely to be a Stoke City or worse still Derby effing County. I reckons he claims to be a Notts County fan because they play at a ground called Meadow Lane in an area of Nottingham called the Meadows. Being an artistic type he's liable to be quite egotistical and simply likes them because they share his name.

I used to feel a strange affinity with Barry from Eastenders for much the same reasons. I won't lie to you, I am a little bit egotistical. You probably can't tell because I'm such a talented wordsmith I can disguise the narcissism quite well.

Anyway, I wonder which (if any) Shane Meadows films Sven has seen and whether he intend to watch any. He might like to start with This Is England. It might bring back some fond memories of the time he steered the nation to three consecutive quarter finals. I should think the site of all the St George cross flags will bring a some lump to he throat.

I'm rambling a bit today, I guess that could be the Swine Flu making me delirious. I might give Raj a call and get him to bring me some Cobra.

Speaking of which, I fired an email off to the marketing manager at my fav beer to see if he'd be interested in sponsoring the blog.

Fingers crossed.

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Unlucky for some

It seems as though my follower outreach has paid off. After Lolren joined the fold, I have my 13th follower. The rather excellent Comedy Plus.

It's an hilariously funny blog, dedicated to gags galore. I was going to go out into town today for an interview for a new job, but I got into reading the funnies on Comedy Plus and I totally lost track of time. I missed my interview slot completely. You've gotta laugh though, right? That's what life's all about.

At the time of writing Comedy Plus has got a majestic 193 followers, proving that I'm not alone when it comes to seeking a good giggle.

It was my 13th follower, but I didn't heed the warning. After predicting a Man Utd 3-2 Barcelona result, I went to Ladbrokes and placed a £50 bet, I was left licking my wounds after only ten minutes when Eto'o poked in Barcelona's first. Betting really is a mug's game.

Incidentally, can anyone out there tell me why Eto'o celebrated by trying to summon up a vain on his forearm in the manner of a smackhead? Was he trying to say scoring a goal is as good as mainlining heroin? Because if he was, that's not a message I condone. That said, I've never injected drugs and I've never scored a goal in the Champions League final.

Although, my Pro Evolution Soccer team Notts Forest have won the Master League and WEFA Championship a fair few times and sometimes I've even played after a little bit of the old whacky-backy. But, kids, I'm a lot slower at the game after a few smokes. They don't call it dope for nuffin'. Ya dig?!

After I got over the shock of losing £50 within ten minutes of the start of the game I just settled down into a few cans of Cobra and resigned myself to the loss. I did cheer up when Messi scored because it reminded me of my excellent Chelsea supporting French homeboy Mess.

I realised that Bill Shankly was wrong when he said football is more important than life or death. If you've got friends you can trust, football really is just a game.

I'm starting to well-up readers.

Love you all.

Barry
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