Thursday, October 22, 2009

A nice day for a white wedding

What I'm about to tell you is amazing.

As long term readers will recall, back in May my estranged girlfriend Gill managed to get herself pregnant. It was an startling development to say the least. Now, I know that people have been getting pregnant for years, so I suppose it wasn't that starlting really, but the startling part was that the baby was not mine, but was (is) in fact that of my good friend Dave the roofer.

Dave is a simple man with simple pleasures. Chelsea FC, booze, birds and roofing. Simple he may be, but he is the salt of the earth and when Gill announced her pregnancy Dave did the decent thing and offered to support Gill financially.

He'd just come into money, thanks to the death of his uncle Dave in Canada and had inheritated the family roofing business under the proviso that he would have to move out to Edmonton, Alberta!

Well readers, with Xmas fast approaching, Gill is now five months pregnant. It seems as though Dave the roofer's paternal instincts have come to the fore. He called me up last night after Chelsea had beaten Atletico Madrid 4-0.

"ear Baz," he said, "You know what? Tonight is the best night of my life."
"Easy Dave," I said, "you've not even made it to the knock-out stages yet."
"No Baz mate," he said, "Not for the first time, you misunderstand."

What Dave then went on to tell me, just about blew my socks off. It seems Dave and Gill have been spending quite a bit of time together of late, I suppose what with me starting my new job and contemplating turning gay like Dan, I hadn't really noticed how close Dave and Gill had become.

On Wednesday night, at Stamford Bridge, Dave the roofer proposed to Gill and she accepted! FUCKING HELL, Gill doesn't even like football.

It doesn't stop there readers, because Dave the roofer was calling me up to ask me to be his best man. Y'know, initially I did think it would be a bit weird being the best man at my best friend and ex-girlfriend's wedding, but then Dave told me he had booked us tickets to fly out to Las Vegas this weekend!

How cool is that? What a top geezer. Dave and Gill are only going to get married by an Elvis impersonator. I tell you what, only in America.

Dave told me that he just thought 'why not'. Well, you know, when I'm sitting on the sofa playing Pro Evo, I sometimes think to myself, 'shall I have another Cobra?' then I think 'why not?' Sometimes, when I'm having a nice cup of tea, I think 'should I have a Chocolate Hobnob?' then I think 'why not?'

What I don't do is get my best friend's ex up the duff, then secretly plan a wedding in Las Vegas. I dunno, maybe I should be more spontaneous, maybe I should live a bit more by the seat of my pants in the spur of the moment.

I really think maybe Dave should have been more thoughtful though, I mean, I've only got 24 hours or so to write a best man speech. Dave knows damn well I'm a perfectionist. So while him and Gill are enoying the movies and Dave's enjoying the free booze, I'll be fretting over my lines. I guess sitting here moaning about it isn't going to help!

Anyway, sorry to moan, I got a bit distracted there, the really amazing thing is, I saw Charlie Boorman today!!!!!!!!! He was trying to get hold of someone on the mobile while standing at a petrol station.

Arguably not as amazing as the story I saw on the news about an ice skating Russian circus bear that went postal and killed its trainer. I never knew bears could ice skate. But they can. As can Apes.

Actually, having watched the YouTube videos, linked above, of animals ice skating, my sympathies certainly go out to the bear. Although, the sympathy doesn't really count for much, since the Russian authorities shot the bear dead.

Speaking of shooting things dead, I'd like to shoot Nick Griffen, leader of the BNP, dead. He's on Question Time tonight. I know that he was elected and everything (by a million or so people apparently), but I can't help thinking he's an absolute cunt.

I dunno, maybe I'm being unfair, perhaps he's nice to grannies (white ones) and does a lot of work for charities (although probably not Oxfam). But even so, he's the leader of a political movement that should be outlawed.

I'm all for outlawing stuff that's bad. The G comes along and outlaws stuff willie-nillie. Talking on a mobile phone while driving a car has been outlawed, riding a bicycle whilst under the influence of alcohol has been outlawed, smoking canabis, outlawed, polygamy, outlawed, driving 35 mph in a built up area, outlawed, carrying a bottle of water through security at an airport, outlawed. The list goes on and on.

Surely it would make much more sense to repeal all of the above and outlaw the BNP?

Anyhoo, I guess I'd better make a start on that speech.

I'm off to Vegas tomorrow, see you next Tuesday.


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