Well readers, if you'll excuse the pun please, I finally got to the bottom of why is was so busy in Brighton at the weekend. It was Gay Pride! I read about it in London's friendliest freesheet, the Metro. You might go as far as to say it was the Metrosexual!! lol
I should have known really, for my non-UK readers, Brighton is like the Castro in San Francisco. If you've seen the motion picture Milk you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't seen Milk then get yourself down to Blockbusters and rent it out, no actually, don't bother with Blockbusters, you should join Love Film - I've joined Love Film, its an online mail order DVD shop. It's great, way better than bloody Blockbusters anyway!!
Gay Pride is a funny old business isn't it? What is there to be proud of? I mean, the whole notion of homosexuality is now considered normal. Why be proud of being normal? Surely you should be proud if you manage through hard work and application to achieve something extraordinary. And anyway, surely pride comes before a fall?
If I was renaming Gay Pride, I'd probably call it Homosexual Day. That would be far more accurate. Issues with the word Pride aside, the word Gay doesn't always mean homsexual. And, what's more, my new naming fits in a lot better with all the other days we celebrate, like Christmas Day and St Patrick's Day, apart from ironically, Mothering Sunday. Which isn't called Mothers' Day, before you start!
I haven't got anything against homosexuals, nothing whatsoever, theoretically at least a lot of my good friends are that way inclined. I say theoretically because statistics suggest one in ten people is homosexual and I know more than ten people. There's Dave the roofer (not Gay), Gill (not Gay), Mum (not Gay), Steve (not Gay), Steve's wife (not Gay) Mrs Bradley next door (the Mrs prefix clearly suggests not Gay), Susie at work (not Gay) Trudy at work (definitely not Gay) and then there's Dan Bantam (who was married until recently so is clearly not Gay). Well, there you go, nine hetrosexuals (or breeders as they're sometimes dubbed by the Gays). Who did I leave off? Roger.....ahhhh, now, I hate Roger, and not becasue he's Gay either, although statistically speaking I suppose he must be. But hating him has nothing to do with being homophobic.
The thing is readers, if I wasn't straight, I'd definitely be Gay, it looks great, you get to party all the time and hang out having cheap meaningless sex with strangers and with no worries of unwanted pregnancies! I tell you what, I bet Dave the roofer wishes he was Gay now!
It does make me feel a little bit uncomfortable when I see men kissing each other. Accept footballers who have just scored a goal. But they don't tend to bother with tongues do they? Although, I wonder if the Gay footballers ever try and slip in the tongue or maybe have a quick touch of someone in the shower after a game. Apprently Sol Campbell is Gay, so the terrace rumour goes, he's bloody massive too, so I wouldn't want to get left in the shower with just him, he could do as he pleased couldn't he? He's powerfully built. There'd be absolutely no escape.
I could literally go on all night about homosexuality, it's a fascinating subject, I mean I've not even opened up the debate about homosexuality and religion. Two uncomfortable bed fellows if ever there were. If God made us in His own image, then about ten per cent of the time He probably fancies fellers! Do you think He's told Mrs God? Maybe He sneaks down from Heaven every once in a while and goes to Heaven the night club for some bum fun. Although, if you were God you could take your pick really. If I was Gay God, I'd snag myself some time with George Michael. Mind you, maybe Gay God's got enough on his plate trying to fend off Freddy Murcury 90 per cent of the time. Unless, that is, being Gay is sinful and Freddy's been sent to hell for all eternity.
I sincerely hope that the religious right are wrong about homosexuality. For Freddy's sake. And Rev Smyth too, who one can safely assume bats for the other side.
Anyway, I'd better get myself off to bed now, I'm sure to revisit this contentious issue again in the not too distant future. Until then, Happy Homosexual Day everyone!
respec in yo momma