Sharp dressed man

Do you ever wake up and wonder what you're going wear to work? It used to be so easy back at school when your Mum used to put out your uniform and off you'd trot.

In the UK, if you're in Sales, you wear a suit. Simple. While the Editorial guys on the magazine get away with jeans and unironed short sleeved shirts - or sometimes even T-shirts. We share the same open plan office space, so why the disparity? Over in the US, meanwhile, they don't wear suits at all, they wear buttoned down shirts (no tie) tucked into beige Chinos pulled up slightly too high with a cell [sic] phone holster attached at the side (maybe they equate the ubiquitous cell phone side arm with a gun of their forbears??

I was thinking about this while I flew back in Virgin Upper Class. There I was sitting in Upper Class surrounded by the oddest assortment of individuals you could imagine. They certainly didn't look upper class. To look properly upper class you should probably be wearing brown suede loafers, pink cords and a Prince of Wales check shirt.

You see, style for the businessman is a mine field. That's when I dreamt up the concept of a course targeted at the HR professional who needs to enforce a dress code at the office. But in order to target the busy professional HR executive that hasn't got time to think up and design pointless company policy documents, I thought I would deliver my course via the medium of the telephone call!

I've come up with some marketing blurb for the emailer. Here's what I've got so far:

"Drafting & Enforcing Dress Code Policies: What's Working: What's Not"

Tired of being the "fashion police" for your company? Protect your company image and be prepared for even the toughest dress code situations.

What needs to be in your dress code policy? How can you enforce it without having to worry about a lawsuit? Join us for a 60-minute audio conference where you will discover:

• How to address body odour, inappropriate clothing, and piercings
• Keys to draft an effective appearance policy
• Legally safe steps for disciplining repeat offenders and rule breakers
• The impact of "lifestyle laws" on your workplace appearance policies

CONVENIENT - No airlines. No travel. No time out of the office. Listen in from the comfort and convenience of your desk. EASY - A telephone is all the equipment you need. Just dial in, punch in your access code, and you're in. That's it. Follow along with the audio conference handouts provided in advance. ACTIONABLE - Our audio conferences provide money-saving, tactics you can start using right when you hang up the phone. IDEAL FOR MULTIPLE LISTENERS - Use a speakerphone and as many people as you want can listen in - at no extra cost to you.

There you go readers? What do you think? It's pretty straight forward to set up too. I must confess, it wasn't just traveling in Virgin Upper Class that inspired my idea, it was the copy of gentleman's interest magazine Club that I bought at LAX. I don't know if you're familiar with these types of magazine? They feature pictures of sexy young girls, erotic stories, interesting articles about speedboats and fast cars and dozens of adverts for something called phone sex. You can dial up a number and listen to people doing it, the number you call is a premium line and charges $2.99 for the first minute and 99c per minute thereafter.

Most of the adverts in gents' magazines promise to get right into the action and have you shoot your load (or muck as it's often described) in minutes flat! Well, that's where the adult entertainment industry is missing a trick. Ideally, you need to get your listeners sitting on the blower for as long as possible. Now, most of the chaps who call these lines have probably not really got the ready cash for listening to hours of simulated sex on the phone and if they did have that sort of money, they could get themselves down to Soho and visit one of the many models who are new in town and like their job. Businessmen on the other really do have that kind of money, but you'd be hard pressed explaining spending hours on some premium sex chat line, whereas investing money in invalubale HR training on the company card would be perfectly legit!

In the UK you can buy a premium line from BT and sell a service. They take a cut of the dialing fee. Any telephone number starting 09xx is charged at premium rates, in a similar fashion to a 900 number in North America.

Here's the really genius part.....I'll get Nigella Lawson to be the person reading out the advice on dress code policy using that special sexy voice she's got and I'll advertise the service in the Daily Telegraph.

I think I might have hit on something big here readers. Premium Line HR Consulting Services.

I might drop Dickie Branson a line to see if he wants in. I'll probably mention that it was his airline that inspired me*.

Yours in enterprise

Barry

*I probably won't contact Paul Raymond Publications with my idea. I tried dropping them a line when I dreamt up the Oyster and they threatened to sue me!!

Settling in

I expect you’ve all been wondering how the new job’s coming along, eh readers? Well, it’s early doors, of course, but I’d say the old Newsdesk charm has already been working its magic.

Have you noticed in life there are those people who fit in and those who don’t? What is the magical ingredient, what is the ‘it’ that people who have ‘it’ have? What sets apart the leaders from the followers, the sheep from the shepherd?

It’s a little thing called CHARISMA. When you’ve got it, flaunt it. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past two days. I didn’t want to come to my new job as a wall flower. You’ve got to seize life by the throat sometimes. Work hard, play hard. That’s my mantra.

I’m a tiger.

I wonder who would win in a fight between a lion and tiger? Not that it would ever happen of course, which reminds me of that old joke about polar bears not eating penguins because they can’t get the wrapper off, it’s technically inaccurate, they don’t eat penguins because they live poles apart. Metaphorically speaking.

Like lions and tigers. That said, they’ve been known to mate while in captivity, the resultant offspring are known as ligers or tions.

Anyway, if they did fight then I think the tiger would win easy. Tigers are stronger and more powerful than lions. Lions hunt in packs, they’re like the bullies of the big cat world. It’s perhaps no coincidence that the lion in my fav film the Wizard of Oz was a cowardly lion. Mind you, the lions get the lionesses to do all the work, which sound pretty clued up. And they practice infanticide. Still, Mother Nature is a fickle mistress.

I won’t take any shit from bullies. I’ve made sure that the word’s out I’m a black belt at judo, so that should keep me pretty safe. That’s the thing with bullies, they’re all cowards really. Mind you, as I’m a pacifist, I won’t be starting any fights either! I’m a lover, not a fighter ;-)

I really seem to have hit it off with Dan and Susie, those guys are always bantering away. Sometimes it seems like casual racism or homophobia, but it’s just a bit of banter isn’t it?

I’ve remembered now how much I love office life. The cut and the thrust, the intrigue and the gossip. My new team seem to really get on. And, MY LORD, you should see some of the totty. I think I’ve been out of the game a little bit too long, lol.

There’s one lass who’s got the control of everyone’s eyes, including mine. She’s just big enough, nearly too big, if you know what I mean? I actually feel a little bit intimidated by her. I know, crazy, me, Barry Newsdesk, intimidated by a 21 year old blonde Big Brother fan from Beckenham.

I’ve not made a move, I learnt my lesson the hard way with Amber, once bitten, twice shy so the saying goes. But there’s an office social in a week or so, I reckon that presents the perfect opportunity to get to know her a bit better.

I’ve not made any sales yet, but Dan doesn’t seem to mind about that really. Now I’ve gotten to know him a little better, he seems a really genuine bloke. I really empathise with the way his ex-wife Clare is treating him. He had to leave early today because the emotional trauma is getting to him, there’s a good chance he’ll have to work from home again tomorrow too. I think he wants to make the most of HIS home, before Clare gets HER way and rents it out from under his nose.

KK, gotta go now, I’ve got to do some homework on HR. I tell you what, I think Gill was right, there is more to HR than dreaming up pointless courses and making people redundant.