Swine flu

Firstly, I want to apologise for my outburst on Monday. The show of support from everyone was heart-warming and when Mrs Bradley brought Mum’s present round it made me forget about my birthday blues entirely.

The parcel contained some new cuff links and a colourful new tie, plus and £300 gift card for Debenhams and a note to get myself a nice new suit. It is a lovely gesture and so typical of Mum that she’s thinking about my professional attire. Mind, the card was signed from her and bloody Roger. I was thinking of getting a PS3 though, rather than the suit, I’m not sure if you can get electronics at Debenhams so I might see if I can sell the card at a discount. You can’t beat cold hard cash really.

I feel terrible today though, and I don’t mean emotionally, I felt so bad yesterday that I had to call in sick, I thought it was just a case of a little too much Cobra. But Cobra’s so clean and pure, like a virgin (maybe Cobra could use the Madonna song as part of their marketing campaigns, I’ll write a note to their marketing manager later!!), that it doesn’t usually give me hangovers. But I feel rough as a dog today, and I didn’t touch a drop yesterday.

I think I have SWINE FLU. I’ve got achy shoulders and I’m pretty sure I have a fever. I definitely don’t feel too clever. I told Dan and he says he thinks he might have had it the other week, so there’s a good chance I caught it off him, he told me not to bother coming in for the rest of the week. He’s such a great boss.

I spoke to Dave the roofer and he reckons that the whole Swine Flu thing was started by the CIA. He reckons the Americans developed the strain and kick-started things off in Mexico to track how epidemics spread and as a trial to gauge the effectiveness of the country’s epidemiological crisis management plans. He also reckons that the Swiss drug company Roche , the firm that makes Tamiflu, are behind plans to create a global virus for which only it has a vaccine. Dave also told me that Roche was originally funded by the Nazi gold. Which sounds like absolute cobblers to me.

Mind you, Dave also once told me that the vapour trails left by commercial jets were being used by the government to “monitor things”. He was non-specific on the details, but he was absolutely convinced for a while, and whenever he was outside if he saw a vapour trail he’d immediately head for cover and wouldn’t under any circumstances drive under one.

Anyway, what I do know is once you’ve got swine flu you shouldn’t venture outside. Which is a bit of problem because I’m totally out of milk. I think I might have to call Mum and get her to come down.

L&ers team – if you’re near anyone who sneezes, just hold you breath for 30 seconds and walk in the opposite direction!

I'm off to play PES - that always cheers me up.
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