The Christians

It’s Sunday today and traditionally that’s the day Mum goes to church. As I write these words she is almost certainly wishing Rev Smyth well and congratulating him on yet another wonderful service.

You’ve got to take your hat off to the Christians. When it comes to religions, Buddhism aside, Christianity is almost certainly the nicest. The take home message of Christianity is that you should be nice to people and expect others to be nice to you, and even if they aren’t you should (and I quote Jesus Himself) “turn the other cheek”.

Christianity is the most popular religion on the planet. I think that’s probably because it appeals to something deep within us all. Even if you mess up and do nasty things, at the end of the day God will let you off and St Peter will let you into Heaven.

It wasn’t always the case that Christianity was so popular, of course. Before Jesus was born 2009 years ago, in a manger no crib for a bed, no one had even heard of Christianity. Jesus Himself was actually a Jew, although He said a few things back then that upset his fellow Jews and so they persuaded the Romans put to Him to death. Even then, He still found time to let the Jews off, “forgive them father, they don’t know what they’re doing,” He said.

I don’t know about you readers, I would have been absolutely bloody fuming!!!

I’m pretty sure the Old Testament God would have smited the Romans and the Jews, but He didn’t, He just turned the other cheek. I think it’s fair to say that passive resistance was invented by Jesus and not by Gandhi as so many people believe.

Maybe if Gandhi had come up with something new there would be millions of Gandhians roaming the earth wearing loin cloths and what not.

For years after Jesus died, Christians were persecuted by the Romans. Which seems odd. I doubt whether Zeus et al were really that worried about some guys who was basically a hippie.

Another reasons that I think Christianity is so popular is because there’s something for everyone. It’s pretty flexible in terms of rules. For that benefit, we have King Henry VIII to thank. Henry used to be a Roman Catholic.

That’s right readers, Roman Catholic!

After all those years feeding Christians to lions in the name of entertainment, the Romans had a change of heart it seems. Ironically, Roman Catholics make up the largest segment of the Christians.

The Roman Catholics have got some pretty strict rules on how you should be a Christian. But King Henry VIII decided he didn’t fancy playing by the rules. I guess that’s what happens when you’re the King. I mean, you’ve only got to look at what happened to Elvis to see that sometimes a little bit of power is a dangerous thing.

Anyway, Henry wanted to ditch his Spanish wife Catherine of Aragon. But according to the Pope (even to this day this guys basically heads up Catholicism), Henry would not be allowed to do this. Well, this was like a red rag to a bull, it was basically like telling Elvis he couldn’t have any more burgers.

Henry set up the Church of England. This is basically an off-shoot of Catholicism that lets its practitioners pretty much do what they like. Henry even chopped a couple of his wives heads off. Even though Rev Smyth is part of the CofE I doubt he would condone that sort of behaviour.

I like the Christians, they’re friendly, flexible and pretty much keep themselves to themselves. Jesus was famously protective of His Mum, which can only be a good thing. He gave us Christmas, undoubtedly the best of the public holidays, and Easter which not only gets us a Bank Holiday Monday, but also Friday off too. Not to mention the gorgeous chocolate eggs!

I also enjoy the music of The Christians, I’m not talking about all the hymns (although Cat Steven's Morning Has Broken is lovely), I’m talking about the late 1980s Liverpool-based pop band formed by brothers Russell and Garry Christian.

Terry Christian is another famous northerner with the Holy surname.

I’ve not finished my research into religion, but I have to say Christianity is among my favs.

Nice one JC!

Voodoo

I know today is traditionally a day of rest, but my mind won’t stop racing when it comes to the great religion debate, I just had to post my latest discoveries. This must have been how Charles Darwin felt when he got back home from his trip on the Beagle.

Incidentally, a Beagle is literally a Hound Dog. I wonder if Elvis was really singing about a Beagle.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about how I should grapple with religion. According to infamous atheist Richard Dawkins, Man is predisposed to ‘believe’. Ironically, he thinks we have evolved needing the comforting belief in a higher power to help explain the unexplainable. I think it’s fair to say he debunks religion on the grounds that it is man-made self-believe.

Poppycock.

If Dawkins had spent just a few minutes looking at Wikipedia and actually doing some research, he’d soon discover that there are so many religions out there it would be literally impossible to make them all up. I bet Christmas dinner round at the Dawkins’ place is a bag of fun.

I have decided to carry out a chronological journey through religion. If Charles Darwin et al are to be believed then Africa is the cradle of life, and you don’t have to do any research to realise that before the Europeans imposed Christianity on the locals, Voodoo was almost certainly the incumbent faith and as such is clearly the oldest religion in the world.

Voodoo is very much like Christianity, which must have made the missionaries jobs all the easier. Every village would have had a Witch Doctor. These guys were essentially the local vicars and carried out all the hatchings, matchings and dispatchings (as Rev. Smyth used to say).

As with Christianity, there are a good number of rituals in Voodoo.

When Jimi Hendrix wrote a song about a Voodoo Child he could well have been singing about Jesus.

Incidentally, readers, I have discovered an amazing new site on the Internet. It’s called YouTube (wtf??). It’s got literally hundreds of funny videos and songs. It’s not really much use to a Citizen Journalist. But if you don’t watch out, you can spend hours on there ‘surfing’.

Anyway, back to Voodoo. Another similarity it has with Christianity is that it is divided into a plethora of subsets. For instance, if I decided I was a believer, I could be a Buddhist Haitian Voodooer.

How did Voodoo get all the way from Africa to Haiti? I hear you ask. Slaves readers. But that, as they say, is a whole separate issue that I might have to come back to another time.

I’ve left the most famous thing about Voodoo until last. The Voodoo Doll is NOT A TOY! It was made most famous in the James Bond film Live & Let Die starring English rose Jayne Seamour. The doll represents a chosen enemy (in the case of James Bond’s Live & Let Die, it represented James Bond), by sticking needles into the doll (James Bond) you can inflict extreme pain on your enemy. You can buy them on Amazon.

KK readers, I’ve got to go and have some Shreddies now, I think Hollyoaks is about to start and Gill’s coming around later with some breakfast.