The mush from Shepherd's Bush

I'm wasted working on potwash. I am, truly. A man like me, with my creative talents. But there is no way I want to be out in the kitchens. I have heard on the grapevine that the Toastman has already cornered the market in terms of shifting cheap pink champagne to the other inmates. There is little doubt in my mind that the mush from Shepherd's Bush has sent him after me.

I thought all that was behind me. I suppose I should never have taken Gary's generosity at face value. I remember handing over the holdall to him outside the NCP.

He was sitting in the passenger seat of one of those massive BMW X5s. I couldn't quite see the man in the driver's seat, but I could smell his cigar and I could hear he was listening to a Talk Sport piece on the chances of Chelsea retaining the title in the forthcoming season. He started laughing at one point, "ere, Gaz, not if I have anyfink to do wiv it. Fhak me. Not if I get my way! I was telling Dave the other day. Y'know, Dave? Dave the roofer? Fhak, he's only gawn an moved to Canada the dippy cahnt. Canada's no place for roofing, it's all fahkin' igloos 'n' that ..'ang on, it's Toast [he said, receiving an incoming text message] yeh, it's the real deal. Get your boy out for more of the same. Anyway, he's only gawn and .."

I couldn't make out the rest, as Gary thrust an envelope in my direction. "Happy birthday Barry old son, get yourself back out east. Don't do anything daft like going back to the Travelodge either. Get yourself out to T5 now. Remember, business class never get any problems. Don't call me eh, don't go to any trouble. I've been in touch with Tia, she'll meet you at the airport and take care of things. You're like the brother I never had Barry. A proper diamond. I just want you to be happy, y'know?"

I am not afraid to admit it readers, I cried like a baby right there on the pavement outside that NCP as that X5 drove off into the night. I opened the envelope to find that Gary had been kind enough to give me a little bit of spending money too. By my estimates, about £10,000 in used fifties.

I was heading to Bangkok once more!

Bangkok

I just wanted to say a quick “thanks blood” to my main hommie boy Mr London Street. Yo comments is well appreciated. Also, a passing thanks and hello to Shopgirl, Maccoall and The Jules. And a massive big up to Mr C – natch – for inspiring me to get the fuck back into blogland. BOOM! I think that I should warn you all though, that by the simple act of befriending me and adding your sublime commentary, you have put your lives into severe danger.

In a way, I do feel a bit guilty about coming back online and thus endangering all your lives. I knew that my reappearance would send shockwaves across certain elements of the Internet. I’m under very strict orders to keep my profile on the low-down, my location is a closely guarded secret. I can say no more at this stage. Other than, if you’re getting home late and it’s dark, be on your guard. I can’t be there to help sadly. If you can, I suggest joining a judo club. The streets aren’t safe man. It’s just you against the world.

I never, for once, thought things would wind up this way. It all seems a million lifetimes from marching into BA’s business lounge to the beat of Columbia’s finest with Gary, just a passport apiece, a credit card and return tickets to Bangkok. It felt like we were Noel and Liam. Definitely maybe. I think if we were, I would have been Noel. Sure, Gary had something, a certain charismatic elemental charm, but essentially I was the artistic powerhouse of the partnership.

I thought I was a man of the world. I was until I visited Bangkok. My eyes were opened. I don’t think I’ll be able to play table tennis again. Not to any level of proficiency at least. I have no idea how long we stayed up partying. Days merged into weeks. The faces blurred. The genders were immaterial. Nothing mattered. I woke up one day with a tattoo of a monkey on my back and wedding ring on the third finger of my left hand.

It was time to come home. But things would never be the same.