Modelling the way

Today is the first day of New Career-Minded Barry. For too long now Fun-Loving Old Barry has been floundering along by the side of the Super Career Highway. I’m my own worst enemy in some respects, but the cause of my stagnating life lies in my roots and foundations. That Philip Larkin had some funny opinions, but when it came to the role of the parent, he was spot on, they really do Fuck You Up.

When Dad left, Mum (who despite her recent betrayal, I will always love) brought me up as the Man of the House. I was her Little Prince Charming who turned into her Handsome Young Man. I felt loved readers, and that’s all a child really needs. Except the world is a cruel playing field. The rules of engagement change according to circumstances that in the main seem out of your control, and while I was prepared to plough my own furrow, I have realised now that maybe getting a seat next to the farmer up on the tractor would have saved me a whole lot of muddy feet, cow shit and woe.

Up until now I’ve been happy to stand flipping burgers in the Transport Café of Life. Every so often I look up at the Super Career Highway, and I think to myself, ‘no way Baz old boy, the road’s a dangerous place, you’re better off here where you know your way, you know the burgers are good and plentiful, not for you a place on the starting grid of the Rat Race of commercialism.’

The thing is, while sitting flipping burgers in the Transport Café of Life is comfortable and easy, easy is not what life is about. At least that’s what Zach Abrahams my new life coach told me this weekend.

That’s right readers, I’ve got myself a life coach!!! I was always a little wary of coaching, I just thought that maybe it was the naughties equivalent of seeing a shrink. But Zach came in and took a management training course last week, and it’s no exaggeration to say that he has almost single-handedly put my life on track again.

As regular readers will know, I’m a man who is comfortable in his own sexuality. I’m straight up and down no nonsense, but I actually think that I might be falling for Zach a little. He has a magnetism that simply cannot be ignored. Which I found odd, because when I first saw him I thought he was ever so slightly physically repulsive. He has the look of a dwarf about him. Not like Gimli from LOTR, with long hair and a beard and an axe, but like a dwarf dwarf. Like in Time Bandits.”

But when Zach speaks, you have to listen. He has an aura, an aura that I know leads to great success in business and great success with some extremely desirable women, he says, which considering his physical disabilities is no mean feat.

Zach’s entire philosophy is based on something he has dubbed ‘Modelling the Way’. He is a guru and I am a convert. It’s all to do with balancing your IQ with your EQ. IQ is your smarts, and EQ is your hearts! That’s a little rhyme Zach made up that helps. It’s all about control, like a graphic equalizer on a hi-fi, too much bass and your career will be dulled, to little bass and the career will sound tinny.

Zach says it’s all about how the brain works. Basically, the lefthand side of your brain is what controls your memory, it’s the ‘logic centre’ and the righthand side is your creativity. It’s no good just being all logical like Mr Spock (he’s a mister, not a doctor – which makes him a surgeon – interestingly Zach says surgeons are able to close off their EQ and so when they’re cutting up the bodies of their patients, they feel nothing, no emotion, not unlike clinically insane serial killers who chop up their victims and dispose of the parts. In many ways, surgeons and serial killers are two sides of the same coin). Likewise, it’s no good being all creative, because then you just ending up seeing things and going mad.

During the class we did some psychometric testing. We had to answer a whole bunch of questions. They were either a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response according to whether your agreed or disagreed with a statement. Then the scores were totted up and that basically told us our personality. According to Zach, personalities can be split into four types. Activists, Reflectors, Theorists and Protagonists.

It won’t surprise you to know that I scored extremely highly in ‘activism’. Higher than anyone else in the room. Hilariously Dan turned out to be a reflective theorist. These people are the boring dullards, like college professors, who sit around pontificating all and achieving nothing. It turned out that Zach and I have almost identical personalities!

I’m a winners readers, all this time I’ve known I was special, but I had wrongly assumed that being special would be enough. Success, says Zach, is 99 per cent perspiration, one per cent inspiration. To be successful, you need the full package and Zach has offered to unlock my full package.

My trouble is that I have a natural problem with assumed authority. Don’t get me wrong, if someone has earned my respect, then I have no problem with authority, but for me authority has to be questioned. Zach says it is this trait in my personality that has been holding me back from becoming as successful as him, but with his help I can ‘model the way’ and assume authority.

Authority, Zach says, is a state of mind. I had my first coaching lesson at the weekend in Zach’s place in Orpington. He’s got a great pad readers, all cream leather couches and the most space-age fridge I’ve ever seen, everything is remote control, and his lights can actually be turned down to ‘chill mode’ by sending a text message. I really did feel as though he was Captain Kirk to my Mr Spock. Or maybe he was Bones, although he’s not a doctor. Zach I mean, Bones was the doctor.

The lessons are a bit pricey, I will admit, but as Zach pointed out, they’re an investment in a future me. It’s like I’m basically lending my future self a few grand, in return for a lifetime of wealth and a limitless supply of beautiful women.

KK readers, I’ve got some homework to be getting on with, Zach has asked me to write an acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize. Amazing really, the guy is an absolute visionary.

Live long and posper.

Baz

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